Number One Reason for Marital Conflicts

Marriage is a covenantal relationship ordained by God in which a man and a woman are joined together to have mutual love relationship.

Yet, when it comes to practical living, married couples do not always enjoy their relationship as God intended them to, as husband and wife. Once married couple begins to live together under one shelter—sooner or later—conflicts become an inevitable and unwanted challenge in their daily lives.

When we look at marriages around us, many couples seem to be working like oxen, pulling their marital carts forward with great difficulty. It is a sad fact that many marriages are increasingly ending up divorced and causing much heartbreak. All these are a result of interpersonal conflicts.

Well, why do we encounter conflicts in marriage? Why do husbands and wives often quarrel? Why are they unable to get along and live in peace together?

Psychologists and marriage counselors say that quarrels in marriage occur due to lack of mutual understanding, lack of appropriate communication, lack of self-esteem, lack of sensitivity to one another’s needs and so on.

To be sure, these reasons cannot be denied. But let us not suppose these to be the root causes. They are problems on the surface. These are just symptoms. Without dealing with the root issues, all our counsel and efforts to resolve conflicts in marriage would be like watering an artificial plant—it will bear no fruit.

Number One Reason

There is one evil which is deeply embedded in our hearts. This disease has sickened many marriages. This weapon has destroyed many families. This toxic nature has brought misery to many married lives. This is the number one reason for marital conflicts.

What is it?

The Holy Bible says, “Pride only breeds quarrels” (Pro. 13:10).

The number reason for marital conflicts is PRIDE. We may not like to hear this, but the fact is—the reason why husbands and wives often get into quarrels is due to pride in their hearts.

Why is there no mutual understanding in marriage? Because pride makes a person focused on oneself. A self-focused person cannot understand his/her spouse.

Why is there no respectful communication? Because pride makes a person egotistical. An egotistical person doesn’t treat his/her spouse with respect.

Why do married couples resort to blaming one another? Because pride makes a person self-righteous. A self-righteous person will not accept one’s own faults but tries to blame his/her spouse.

Why is there no sensitivity towards each other’s need? Because pride makes a person self-absorbed. The mission of a self-absorbed person is to crave pleasures for oneself, not caring for his/her spouse.

Why is there anger and impatience towards one another? Because pride makes a person a lover of self, thereby making him blind towards his own failures while focusing only on the weaknesses and offenses of the spouse. It demands perfection without being exemplary.

O, pride easily offends but cannot endure offense!

Pride intoxicates one with self-interest, self-ambition, and self-happiness. It causes one to be either demanding or manipulative in having their own way. It does not beget a selfless motive for the welfare of his spouse. Pride only motivates one to behave well as long as its own demands are met.

Even when his own way is meant for a noble cause, pride makes a person self-righteous, intolerant and brash when those "noble expectations" are not met in the spouse. It doesn't seek to humbly and patiently influence the spouse for good.

Humility in Marriage

If pride is the disease, then humility is the remedy. What a great virtue it is! How wonderful a marriage would be when humility is watered and cultivated in our hearts!

Humility in a person upholds the honor and welfare of one’s own spouse. It causes him to seek to understand the other person. It moves him to show respect in communication. It provokes him to be gentle in demeanor. It is quick to take responsibility for his own failures. It presses him to be an agent of exemplary influence rather than holding impractical and unequal expectations from his spouse.

Humility doesn't make one insist on his own way. It doesn’t promote fights or quarrels over one’s own rights. Rather, it fosters accommodation and encourages one to be cooperative. Humility doesn't allow one to treasure offense in their hearts, which is manifested in bitter reactions. It makes one patient and forgiving, and encourages him to make every effort to have peaceful relationships.

Even when the spouse is completely wrong in his/her conduct, humility comes along to help and resists the urge to be unkind in criticism. Humility is spouse-concerned, not self-centered.

Oh, in the age of rampant break down in marriages, don’t you think we need humility?

To see genuine change in marriages filled with strife, humility should continuously be allowed into us and pride should be constantly rooted out from within us.

As you read this, dear reader, give serious thought to why there are quarrels in your marriage. Are you feeding pride? If we feed pride in us, it will breed quarrel in marriages. If we cultivate humility in our hearts, it will spread serenity in our homes. What would you rather choose?

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My Name Is Pride

No other topic evokes my attention as the subject of pride. This may be because the Lord has caused me to become more aware of its vicious activity within me. Praise be to the Lord of mercy!

The worst nature of pride is that it is best visible in others than in oneself, unless the Lord mercifully opens our eyes to see its merciless destructive work within us and through us in others.

“Father in Heaven, enlighten our eyes to clearly see that arrogance within us and deliver us for this evil. Humble us, O God of humility, to walk with you intimately and to get along with people peacefully.”

It’s always humbling to read on pride. In my personal study on this pathetic topic, I recently came across an intriguing description on pride penned by Beth Moore. May the Lord use this to help us know the deceptive nature of pride within us.

Remember, pride is no friend of us; it is a deadly foe. The more we nourish it, the more it ruins us from within and without. It gives a good feeling of yourself while degrading you before others.

So, here is pride personified:

My name is Pride. I am a cheater.
I cheat you of your God-given destiny…because
you demand your own way.
I cheat you of contentment…because
you “deserve better than this.”
I cheat you of knowledge…because
you already know it all.
I cheat you of healing…because
you are too full of me to forgive.
I cheat you of holiness…because
you refuse to admit when you are wrong.
I cheat you of genuine friendship…because
nobody’s going to know the real you.
I cheat you of love…because
real romance demands sacrifice.
I cheat you of greatness in heaven…because
you refuse to wash another’s feet on earth.
I cheat you of God’s glory…because
I convince you to seek your own.
My name is Pride. I am a cheater.
You like me because you think I’m always looking out for you.
Untrue! I’m looking to make a fool of you.
God has much for you, I admit, but don’t worry…
If you stick with me, you’ll never know.[1]

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Note:
[1] Beth Moore, Praying God's Word (Nashville, Tennessee: B & H Publishing Group, 2009), pg. 59

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God Helps in Weaknesses.....But???

Have you ever wondered why God at times doesn’t help us in overcoming our weaknesses? Why is it when we cry out to God to free us from our moral failures, He seems to hide Himself from us, as if He is not willing to come for our aid? We may be pleading to God to deliver us from vices, such as anger, lust, anxiety, impatience, greed…etc, and yet we find ourselves again and again staining ourselves with these evils, and therefore thinking, “When will God help me in these areas to live a life of an overcomer? If God wants me to be holy why is He not answering my prayers for holiness?"

God shuns the prayers of proud
As I was pondering over this issue, the Spirit of the Living God taught me an important lesson. One of the reasons God doesn’t help us in our weaknesses, no matter how much we pray (even fast), is that we are not compassionate towards others’ weaknesses. How highly critical we are towards the weaknesses of other people! How unkindly we criticize others’ failures! How careful we are in watching for and pointing out the flaws of others! How often we spend time in gossiping and backbiting, doing all such things with self-justification! How much we lack compassion, kindness, grace and mercy when it comes to dealing with those who are weak like us, even weaker than us! And we wonder why God is not answering our prayers for overcoming sins in our own life and get disappointed.

The Holy Bible explicitly says, “God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble” (Jas. 4:6). A proud man, although he may pray to God for His holiness, is more troubled with others’ sins than with his own. He is more critical about others’ failures than of his own. He is more judgmental about the speck in others’ eye than about the plank in his own eye. And then he is puzzled why God is not answering his prayers and left him to live a defeated Christian life. Remember, God hates arrogance and shuns prayers coming forth from such attitude.

Humble before God, proud before others
There is one intriguing thing about the proud. He prays to God to deliver him from all other vices but doesn’t intensely recognize his own pride (although he may casually confess), thus neglecting to desperately seek God for deliverance from this most terrible vice. He confesses his weaknesses before God, but when he is out of the closet, he looks down at others. He seeks mercy from God but doesn’t show mercy to others. He admires the grace of God but doesn’t manifest grace to others. He adores the kindness of God towards him but is unkind towards others. The humble conduct which is shown before God turns exactly the opposite when it comes to people.

Are you wondering how I know all these things? Because the Spirit of God revealed and keeps revealing my own heart.

I have learned in the Lord that if I expect and pray to God to help me in overcoming my moral weaknesses I need to be careful and merciful when it comes to looking at and dealing with others’ moral failures. Imagine, if God answers the prayer of an arrogant person in delivering him from all vices, except pride, he would feel of himself much better than others, thus despising those who are weak. One of the reasons, I strongly believe, why God leaves us to wrestle with our weaknesses is so that we would learn to be merciful toward others. Regretfully, not many of us learn this lesson and continue to dwell in unkindness and unmerciful attitude and therefore live a defeated Christian life.

Be Merciful
It is written, “Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy.” (Matt. 5:7)

Now, my dear brothers and sisters, being merciful doesn’t mean ‘ignoring’ the sins of others and just minding our own holy business. It doesn’t even mean ‘endorsing’ them. It means, when we look at or deal with others’ moral weaknesses, we do so with ‘love’ and ‘compassion’, knowing that we ourselves are weak and vulnerable to fall and yet God is merciful towards us; when we speak about others weakness, we do so with fear, knowing that we ourselves are not better and yet God is gracious towards us; every word, correction, even rebuke, comes from a concerned and caring heart. It is written, “Speak and act as those who are going to be judged by the law that gives freedom, because judgment without mercy will be shown to anyone who has not been merciful. Mercy triumphs over judgment!” (Jas. 2:12-13)

Finally, let our attitude be like that of a high priest of the Old Testament, about whom the author of Hebrews writes, “He is able to deal gently with those who are ignorant and are going astray, since he himself is subject to weakness” (Heb. 5:2). When we humble ourselves before the Lord and treat others with mercy, the Lord would be greatly willing to help us live a holy and righteous life before Him. He bestows His mercy upon those who extend it to others.

May the Lord humble us in our weaknesses, exalt us over our failures in humility and use us to manifest His mercy to the weak.

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