Alarming Cautions on Sexual Immorality

Yesterday, as I was having my personal devotional study time on the book of Revelation, particularly pondering over the words spoken to the church in Thyatira, I observed alarming cautions on sexual immorality, thereby observing my own heart in light of the Holy Spirit.

The church in Thyatira is one of the seven churches in Asia to whom John discloses the revelation of Jesus Christ. Unlike the church in Ephesus that lost its first love, this church excelled in love and faith. In fact, their latter works exceeded the first (Rev. 2:19).

However, there was something terrible that was happening in the church. The Lord says, “But I have this against you, that you tolerate that woman Jezebel, who calls herself a prophetess and is teaching and seducing my servants to practice sexual immorality and to eat food sacrificed to idols” (Rev. 2:20). 

Sexual Immorality in Church

In the church of Thyatira, there were people who were lured into sexual immorality by an immoral woman. Now these people were not unbelievers. The Lord says “…seducing my servants to practice sexual immorality…” These were God’s children, servants of God, believers and followers of Christ Jesus. Such things shouldn’t be existent in the church of the Living God, but sadly, they are there.

We may assume that church is a community where people walk in the light, growing in love and holiness and reflecting Christ to the world. But this is not always so. Not all people in the church are devoted to grow in the sanctification of the Holy Spirit.

There are people in the church whose secret lives are not much different from the world. What we find in the world may also be found in the church. What is publicly entertained in the world may secretly be practiced in the church.

Just like the church in Thyatira, how many believers in the church today are seduced into sexual immorality! It is stunning to see people in the church having premarital sex and adulterous relationships. It is awful to notice so many people in the church, both young and adults, given to secret watching of pornography. It is grievous to know people in the church having secret emotional adulterous affairs and immersing in immoral sexual fantasies.

Don’t we realize that people in our churches are losing the fear of God? The fear of God is lost when people immerse themselves into the pleasures of sin.   

Goodness of God

Despite the moral weaknesses and sexual immorality that were there in the church of Thyatira, God was immensely gracious and kind towards them. The Lord says, “I gave her time to repent” (Rev. 2:21). The Lord gave the immoral woman the opportunity to repent. Not only to her, I believe, the opportunity to repent was also given to those who were seduced by her into sexual immorality.

Considering the holiness and the righteous indignation of God, the Lord should wipe off the people who commit sexual immorality. Nevertheless, the Scripture says, “The Lord is merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love” (Ps. 103:8).

How many people would be wiped off in the church if the Lord would have to pour out His wrath on those who live in sexual immorality! Just as the Lord gave time for people in the church in Thyatira to repent, the Lord is giving our people time too to repent of sexual immorality. He is restraining His wrath and pouring out His mercy upon us.

O, if we are living in sexual immorality—be it premarital sex, adulterous affair, watching pornography or drowning in immoral sexual fantasies—when the Lord is patient with us, let us repent of our sin and turn to Him for forgiveness and transformation.   

Discipline of God

The goodness and kindness of God is shown with a purpose. God's patience is manifested not to entertain sin but to turn from sin with repentance. It is written, “God’s kindness is meant to lead you to repentance” (Rom. 2:4b).

There are people who boast about the mercy of God in their lives and yet continue to indulge in immorality. If we refuse the mercy of God by rejecting the time given to us to repent of sexual immorality, the Lord is not always kind to us; we may have to face His severe discipline.

When the Lord had given time to the immoral woman in the church in Thyatira to repent, she refused to repent (Rev. 2:21). As a result, the Lord had to punish and discipline her. There are three alarming cautions the Lord gives to her. These cautions should awaken the fear of God in our hearts to repent of our sexual immoral acts and to walk solemnly in sexual purity.

First, “Behold, I will throw her onto a sickbed” (Rev. 2:22). When people don’t repent of their sexual immoral acts and continue to live in sin, the Lord may have to strike them with sickness. The pleasures of sin they have enjoyed turns into physical agony. Who enjoys to commit sin when the body is stricken with sickness and pain!

Second, “those who commit adultery with her I will throw into great tribulation, unless they repent of her works” (Rev. 2:22). There are great troubles in store for those who have given themselves to the pleasures of sin. Life will be a curse when we live in deliberate disobedience to God’s word. Let us not allow sin to blind our eyes of future destruction by making us to just focus on immediate pleasures.

Third, “I will strike her children dead” (Rev. 2:23). These children may not necessarily be the physical children of the immoral woman in the church in Thyatira. These could be those who have completely accepted her teaching and immoral lifestyle and yet live in the church (I don’t suppose these are genuine children of God, for although believers may sin, they don't devote themselves to sinful lifestyle). The Lord says that He will utterly slay them. What a terrible judgment! What profit it is to engage in sexual immorality and eventually be slain by the Lord!

We don’t know how many are physically sick in our churches because of their stubbornness to repent of their sexual immoral acts. We are not aware how many are in great troubles in their life because of their secret living in sexual immorality. And we don’t know how many are slain by the Lord because of their immoral lifestyle which they didn’t repent in the time that the Lord had given to them. Surprisingly, these judgments are coming upon those in the church who may be living a secret immoral lifestyle. 

Final Words

My dear brothers and sisters, sex is God’s great gift to us. I thank God for it many times. However, God has ordained sex to be enjoyed only within the context of marriage. If we try to enjoy it beyond this context, we invoke curse upon our lives. 

Are you engaged in premarital sex? Are you given to any adulterous relationship, breaking your faithful covenant with your spouse? Are you secretly watching pornography and indulging in lustful fantasies?

Let us consider the great mercy of God who is giving time to us to repent of our sexual immoral acts. If we don’t consider the mercy of God, at least fear of the consequences of sexual immorality. Before we face such physical sickness and agony, before we face such great troubles, before we are stricken to death by the Lord, is it not good for us to repent of our sin and turn to the Lord for His mercy and forgiveness?

We may say, “I know there are people who are living a sexual immoral life but they are fine.” They are fine because the Lord is patient and still giving them time to repent. But if they continue to refuse to repent, troubles comes upon them suddenly and throw them into great miseries. Here is a caution from Proverb 29:1, “A man who remains stiff-necked after many rebukes will suddenly be destroyed-- without remedy.”

O, sexual immorality leads to great adversities! It is filled with pleasures before with full of miseries behind it. It is a curse in disguise. So let’s repent, for the Lord Jesus laid His life on the cross to atone for our every sin. It is written, “If we confess our sins, He [God] is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness” (1 John 1:9). Let's also commit ourselves to walk in sexual purity. It is written, “Whoever conceals his transgressions will not prosper, but he who confesses and forsakes them will obtain mercy” (Pro. 28:13).

Before I close, let me share with you that there are great pleasures, pleasures evermore in the hands of God (Pro. 16:11). It is given to those who fear God and walk in His ways. These pleasures are infinitely better and lasting than the flickering momentary pleasures of sin. Let us embrace His godly pleasures and renounce sinful pleasures. Let us repent and walk in the ways God has laid before us, for His glory and for our welfare.

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Enquiries: 

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What’s Wrong in Watching Pornography Without Hurting Others? - [Part 2]

Click here to read Part 1 

3. What You Watch and Imagine Speaks About Your Prospective Behavior

In Part 1, we have learned that what we watch and imagine speaks about who we are and about our commitment. In Part 2, I want to share with you that what you watch and imagine speaks about your prospective behavior.

Let us not be casual about what we watch in secret and fantasize in mind. What we watch, think and entertain in our mind is liable to what we can do.

For instance, think about a man who is given to watching child pornography. Can you leave your children alone with that person, although he may claim to simply watch for entertainment without any intention to harm anyone?

You may never do this.

Why?

Because when a person is given to watch and entertain lustful images in private, he is most likely to practice it when he gets an opportunity. Once evil things are rooted in mind, we know that it is unsafe and doesn’t take too long to manifest in action.

We know that he who is good in his mind would be good in his behavior. He who is evil in his mind, although he may appear good in his behavior, he is still untrustworthy. If an opportunity pops up, what is sown in mind would be cultivated in action.

O, the safest person to be with is the one who is in public what he is in private!

Now there are many sexually immoral people who are not serial killers or outright rapists. They seem very decent in the society. They do not manifest their lustful attitude because of public fear and disreputation.

However, when they get an opportunity in private atmosphere, they subtly manifest their deviant behavior to lure someone to gratify their passion. Or they would at least easily yield when they are tempted by someone.

Why?

Because they cannot control themselves from doing what they have watched and entertained in secret. Mind is the remote controller of behavior.

If anyone is addicted to watching porn and did not yet fall into physical fornication or adultery, the reason is not that he is a person of self-control; he in fact did not yet get the right opportunity to yield to physical temptation. An opportunity is enough for him to manifest his immoral attitude.

Here is the fact—some are blatantly deviant, like serial killers and rapists; and some are subtly deviant, like opportunists who look good but manifest their beastly conduct at the right time. Whatever the person, what is sown in mind may someday come out in action.

How many folks began watching pornography for the sake of just personal entertainment and gratification; however, it later became such an addiction that they now struggle to control their behavior which has been greatly impacted with deeply ingrained sinful thoughts and imaginations.

Dear reader, don't deceive yourselves by supposing you are watching porn just for personal entertainment without any intention to practice in action. Remember, if we let our sight and thoughts to flirt, we have to struggle to keep our feet from getting into dirt.

This is what I say—what you watch is what you catch; what you catch is what you hatch. So, guard what you watch and what you think, so that you would guard your conduct. How true are these words:

Sow a thought, reap an action;
Sow an action, reap a habit;
Sow a habit, reap a character;
Sow a character, reap a destiny.

Final Words

Above all, there is one primary reason for why I believe watching porn secretly, even without an intention of harming others, is still sinful and destructive.

The Holy Scripture says that there is Someone who knows every thought we think and every secret act we do. The One who created all things knows everything and He is going to judge us for the things done while in the body, whether good or bad. (2 Cor. 5:10)

The Lord said, "I the LORD search the heart and examine the mind, to reward a man according to his conduct, according to what his deeds deserve." (Jer. 17:10)

“Can anyone hide in secret places so that I cannot see him?" declares the LORD. "Do not I fill heaven and earth?" declares the LORD. (Jer. 23:24)

“Should you not fear me?" declares the LORD. "Should you not tremble in my presence? I made the sand a boundary for the sea, an everlasting barrier it cannot cross. The waves may roll, but they cannot prevail; they may roar, but they cannot cross it. But these people have stubborn and rebellious hearts; they have turned aside and gone away.” (Jer. 5:22-23)

Keep in mind, my friend, “Nothing in all creation is hidden from God's sight. Everything is uncovered and laid bare before the eyes of Him to whom we must give account” (Heb. 4:13). We are going to give an account to the Lord about our secret sights, thoughts, words and actions.

Why?

Because He is our Creator and we owe our life to Him. Not only so, the Lord “gave Himself for us to redeem us from all wickedness and to purify for Himself a people that are his very own, eager to do what is good” (Tit. 2:14).

The Lord hates pornography, which is a desecration of sacred sex, which He created for us to enjoy solely in marriage. Apart from marriage bed, the Holy Bible condemns deliberate exposure of nakedness before others. If sensually exposing one’s nakedness is sinful, is it not sinful too to watch the nakedness of other women with lustful heart? Is not pornography a lustful gaze at other women’s/men’s nakedness?

Therefore, I encourage you to repent of your sin, seek the Lord’s forgiveness and walk in the sacred consciousness of His watch over you.

I urge and caution you not to look for petty excuses to justify your sinful acts. This world is becoming more insecure to live in because of its rebellion against the moral standards God gave us for our own safety. Let us, then, return to the Lord and walk in His ways. His word is our only light and purity in this world of darkness and immorality. Let us pray with the Psalmist: "Turn my eyes away from worthless things; preserve my life according to Your word." (Ps. 119:37)

[Click here to go to Part 1 of this article] | 2 of 2

Related Articles:

• Can Married Couples Watch Pornography Together?
• Liberation from Pornography 
• Accountability - An Impetus to Overcomes Pornography 

_______________________________

Enquiries:

cstephendavid@gmail.com (or) messageforourage@gmail.com

What’s Wrong in Watching Pornography Without Hurting Others? - [Part 1]

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Some folks say, “What’s wrong in watching porn when it is simply a matter of sight and mental act without causing any hurt to others? Thoughts are fine as long as they do not turn into actions. Don’t I have the right to do what I do in my private life?”

Well, even when you watch porn secretly without any intention of causing physical hurt to others, I still believe it is sinful and destructive. Let me give three reasons for my conviction. If you ponder over my reasons, you would also agree with me.

1. What You Watch and Imagine Speaks About Who You Are

Think about this—if someone says this to you about your wife or girl friend, “I neither touch your woman nor do any harm to her. I just entertain sexual fantasies with your girl. I just keep this to myself for my entertainment. I promise that I will in no way hurt her.”

Or, what if he says to you—“I am addicted to watching porn. I love seeing the nakedness of other women. I cherish sexual fantasies. I do what all I can in my imagination. I simply do this for my personal enjoyment. I have no intention to hurt anyone.”

Now, honestly speaking, would you be comfortable with your woman in the presence of that person? Would you allow him to talk to your wife or girl friend, even to your sister, at ease, although what he does is just in sight and mind but not in action?

Why not?

You see, a person who entertains unhealthy thoughts in his mind and secretly relishes watching the nakedness of other women speaks a lot about his character. A man defines himself by what he thinks, by what he does in secret, without necessarily manifesting in action.

Why?

Because man is made of mind, soul and body. When something is cherished in the mind, it is a part of us which reveals who we are and what attitude we have. Our thoughts are not different from us. Mind is a testimony of our character.

Now you may not be a serial killer or a rapist, but when you watch nude women and imagine of them secretly, it shows what kind of a person you are and what character you possess.

Remember, it is not just about whether you hurt others; it is about who you are.

Think about pride, envy, bitterness, greed and hatred. If you give careful thought to these vices, you realize that they are not necessarily actions. They can be manifested in action but they are actually evil attitudes and thoughts.

If someone says to you, “I don’t kill you, but I hate you bitterly,” would you still enjoy living with that person, since he is not doing any harm to you?

You can’t.

Why?

Without doing any physical harm in action, because of his bitter thoughts against you, he is still saying to you, “I hate you.” Likewise, without necessarily sleeping with other women or molesting others, the one who watches porn secretly, still says, “I love having sex with different women.”

Are you able to see what a person thinks is equally important to what he does? Our public life may give false impression about ourself, but our private life speaks a lot of who we actually are.

Eventually, it is not about hurting others, which is important. First and foremost, it is about who am I, which is revealed through what I think and cherish in secret.

Let me ask you a question—if what we watch in secret, if what we think and entertain in mind, make sound the way our words do or manifest the way our actions do, do we still secretly watch those things and entertain them in our mind?

We would not.

Why?

Because of what people think about us. More precisely, because of what people think about who we are.

You see, our secret watching and thinking and fantasizing, reveals much about our character. For this reason, the Holy Scripture says, “For as he thinks within himself, so he is” (Pro. 23:7).

So what are you defining about yourself by watching porn in secret?

2. What You Watch and Imagine Speaks About Your Commitment

Our attitude toward sex speaks much about our commitment to our spouse or girlfriend/boyfriend. When you say to someone, “I love you,” you are also saying, “I am committed to you.” Of course, this is not how the modern generation perceives about love. Today’s men and women seem to have no commitment attached to their so-called love.

Nevertheless, love is commitment. And commitment is a matter of attitude. It begins with a resolution in mind.

Do you know—what you watch and do in secret demonstrates your commitment? Your private life is a great testimony of your commitment to your spouse or girlfriend.

When you mentally flirt with naked pictures and videos, fantasizing those things in mind, how can a woman believe that you are committed to her? When you secretly watch nude women, how can you be a committed person to the one you claim to love? Don’t you see yourself as a hypocrite? Don’t you lack commitment which is a great sign of true love?

Sadly, our society today lacks strong men who are courageous enough to stay committed to a woman in thought and action.

Which woman likes a man who says, “I love you very much in action, but in my mind, I sexually fantasize about many women and secretly watch several nude pictures and videos; however, I don’t have anything to do with them in action.”

Will not a woman still feel betrayed by such a man?

Betrayal speaks about lack of trustworthiness and commitment. It speaks about treacherous attitude. It speaks about being nice before your loved one and doing something nasty behind her.

Don’t you think watching pornography is a betrayal to the one you claim to love?

I have read many women expressing how they get deeply hurt or feel betrayed when their husbands or boyfriends watch porn. They feel themselves no more than a mere sexual object. They find themselves secondary to porn stars. They don’t really feel loved by their men.

Now you may feel justified watching porn in secret, for you may think you are not a rapist or a sexual molester. You may feel good about what you do because you think you are not hurting others. But, you know, hurt is not just physical; it is also emotional.

You may think of not causing physical hurt to anyone, but are you not hurting others emotionally by watching porn in secret, particularly your wife or girlfriend or parents or children or other dear ones? They may not yet know what you do in secret. And if they do know and yet have no problem with what you do in secret, then they do not care about who you are, your love relationship and commitment to them (sadly, there are some weird folks like this).

Furthermore, when you watch porn pictures and videos, you are not just seeing it; you are also engaging yourself in it. Sex is such an immense pleasure and powerful act that you cannot watch it without imagining yourself being a part of it. You are mentally committing yourself to become one with the women you are watching.

For this reason, the Lord Jesus said, “You have heard that it was said, 'Do not commit adultery.' But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart” (Matt. 5:27-28).

So what are you revealing about your commitment by watching porn in secret? [Click here to go to Part 2 of this article...] |  1 of 2

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Enquiries:

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To Overcome Lust - Time is Everything

Last week, as I was riding on my bike, my eyes abruptly fell upon a billboard. I found on it these words, written in big letters, “In Cancer Treatment, Time is Everything.” As I was reflecting on it, a thought suddenly dawned on me—to overcome lust, is not time everything, I mean, an essential element?

Everyone knows cancer is a deadly disease, which is responsible for the death of millions of people. According to World Cancer Research Fund International, it is expected that by 2030 the number of people dying of cancer would reach to 21 million. And one major reason for people dying of cancer is due to lack of early detection and treatment. Time seems to play a vital role, isn’t it?

Lust—which is an inappropriate and unrestrained sexual passion in striking contrast to healthy sexual desire—is perilous like cancer. Lack of prompt dealing with lust is a major cause for so many to fall into sexually immoral acts, thereby ruining one’s personal and family life.

Take Instant Turn

We need to understand that many who fall into sexual sins—be it in pornography, fornication, adultery, homosexuality or lustful fantasies—neglect to deal with them promptly and seriously at its initial stage. They casually face it and miserably fall into it.

Fact: Lust thrives in a delayed and negligent attitude.

For this reason, Jesus exhorted in hyperbolic language, “If your right eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell” (Matt. 5:29). Eugene Peterson paraphrases it in his contemporary translation The Message, “If you want to live a morally pure life, here’s what you have to do: You have to blind your right eye the moment you catch it in a lustful leer.”

In other words, if your eye is caught up in a lustful sight, turn your eyes instantly from it and urgently root out that lustful attitude. To save oneself from falling into lust, it is only a spur-of-the-moment. If you delay a bit, you will without delay find yourself drowned in a lustful pit.

Fact: The more we delay in resisting lust, the more it becomes difficult to overcome it. 

I have learned that to overcome lust—particularly when you bump unexpectedly into something sensual, such as a porn image or a lustful wall poster or a sensual scene on television—it is only a matter of seconds. If I do not turn away from it immediately at my first glance, my mind would easily be captured by its lure. Therefore, when I find myself into a lustful temptation, I am disciplining myself, by God’s grace, to turn immediately or flee in a second.

Of course, when I flee, I do face temptations that I am missing a great pleasure and just need to yield to the temptation to satisfy my sensual emotions. But I know that’s deception and also destructive.

Fact: Lust grows stronger when you stay longer at what you watch.

Flee Lest You Cleave
 
Therefore, the Holy Bible says, “Flee from sexual immorality” (1 Cor. 6:18). In my study of the word “flee”, I have found that it means, “To run with rapidity, as from danger; to hasten from danger or expected evil.”

Fact: Lust is such a fiery temptation that if we do not run away from it, we rush into it.

We cannot spend a little time and then walk away slowly from lust. It is like a flood of water released from a dam. If we don’t flee quickly and immediately, we cannot stand against its raging torrent of temptation, having been easily wiped out by its enticement.

O, how many neglect to flee instantly from lust, but once they are swept off by it, they cry out helplessly for freedom!

Fact—The devil doesn’t drag people directly into sexual acts. He first feeds their sight with lust, fills their mind with evil imaginations, and then it is effortless for him to knock them down in immoral acts.

Take Off Lest You Give In

Think about the young man Joseph. Since he was handsome and well built, the lustful eyes of Potiphar’s wife fell on him. After persistently tempting him, one day when none was there inside her house, she caught him by his garment, saying, “Lie with me!”

But what did Joseph do? He left his garment in her hand and immediately fled from her (Gen. 39:11-12).  Had he given a little room for lust to gaze at her, he could have easily fallen in adultery.

Fact: If you don’t flee from lust immediately, you may cleave to it inescapably.

Friend, may be you are entertaining a conversation or chat with a person which is progressively leading you into an illicit affair. May be you are moving too close physically with a person which may end up in some sexual sin. May be you are staying in a place where there is a danger of getting dragged into immoral acts. May be you are watching certain things which may appear less harmful to you now but they may indeed be stepping stones to greater pits and terrible fall. May be you are constantly tempted by someone or something to enjoy the momentary pleasure of sex which doesn’t fall into the boundary of marital fidelity.

Like Joseph, are you learning to rapidly flee from such lustful traps?

So, the next time, if you happen to find yourself into a lustful sight or place, know—time is everything. Just flee!

Related Articles:

• The Conversation of Job on Lust
• A Lesson from Cotton Buds on Sexual Purity
• Winning the Battle for Sexual Purity

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Enquiries:

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Can Married Couples Watch Pornography Together? [Part 2]

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2) The object of sexual stimulation should be the body of your own spouse, not sexually explicit pictures and videos wherein the other person’s body is viewed for sensual provocation. 

Many don’t give careful thought to what happens when couples watch pornography together for the purpose of stimulating themselves to have sexual intercourse. Are they are not receiving sensual stimulation from others’ bodies, nakedness and sexual act? Don’t you think the bodies of other people would become more stimulating for them than the body of their own spouse? Who ultimately is your source of sexual pleasure—your own spouse or that sexually explicit person in porn?

Here is a fact which many are unaware. Porn stars often build up the structure of their bodies for public attraction. Their breasts and genitals are enhanced surgically. They project themselves in such a sexy way that they become irresistibly fascinating. Chris Hedges, in "Empire of Illusion", describes this gruesome deception:

The porn films are not about sex. Sex is airbrushed and digitally washed out of the films. There is no acting because none of the women are permitted to have what amounts to a personality. The one emotion they are allowed to display is an unquenchable desire to satisfy men, especially if that desire involves the women’s physical and emotional degradation. The lightning in the films is harsh and clinical. Pubic hair is shaved off to give the women the look of young girls or rubber dolls. Porn, which advertises itself as sex, is a bizarre, bleached pantomime of sex. The acts onscreen are beyond human endurance. The scenarios are absurd. The manicured and groomed bodies, the huge artificial breasts, the pouting oversized lips, the erections that never go down, and the sculpted bodies are unreal. Makeup and production mask blemishes. There are no beads of sweat, no wrinkle lines, no human imperfections. Sex is reduced to a narrow spectrum of sterilized dimensions. It does not include the dank smell of human bodies, the thump of a pulse, taste, breath—or tenderness. Those in films are puppets, packaged female commodities. They have no honest emotion, are devoid of authentic human beauty, and resemble plastic. Pornography does not promote sex, if one defines sex as a shared act between two partners. It promotes masturbation. It promotes the solitary auto-arousal that precludes intimacy and love. Pornography is about getting yourself off at someone else’s expense. [pg. 57]

Now how does this impact the couple who watch these unusual bodies? The bodies of their own spouses become unappealing in comparison to those projected in porn. Women in particular may feel inferior when they see their body structure not as fascinating as women in porn. Men may even compare their wives with those women in porn, finding themselves more dissatisfied with their wives and more lustful towards other women. They may crave and cherish more of who they see and what they see in porn than their actual marriage partner.

Some women from a study stated:

“I am no longer sexually attractive or desirable to him.” “He’s more attracted to the women depicted in the movies, magazines, and websites than he is to me, and I feel completely unable to compete with these women.” Research has shown that most men experience decreased sexual intimacy with their marriage partner when they are given to porn.  (The Men’s and Women’s Program, 2011, pg. 140-141)

Dear couples, do you hear this? In making a decision to watch porn alone or with your spouse, rather than resisting it, you are making a choice to lose yourself from each other’s world. Beware, it could also become an addiction without which, i.e. without looking at the naked bodies and sexual intercourse of other people, you cannot enjoy sex together.

Besides, here is another dangerous thing that could happen when couples watch porn: When watching porn together with a purpose of engaging into sexual activity, there is a high possibility for either of them or both to secretly fantasize having sex with the person in porn while actually having sex with their own spouse. Take note of this: since mind is prone to easily absorb sensual images, what we watch has a terrible impact upon how we think, fantasize and act.

One woman expressed her embarrassment this way: "I am no longer a sexual person or partner to him, but a sexual object. He is not really with me, not really making love to me… He seems to be thinking about something else – likely those porn women… He is just using me as a warm body." (Study by Bergner & Bridges, 2002) 

Therefore, dear husbands and wives, let the source and contentment of sexual pleasure be the body of your spouse, not those sexually explicit images and videos of strangers that rob true sexual pleasure within marriage.

Some justify watching porn to learn some sex positions in order to enjoy good sex in marriage. However, the fact is pornography mostly portrays sex in unrealistic ways, particularly hardcore porn wherein sexual images and videos are more violent and has negative impact upon sexual relationship with one’s spouse. But there are good books written with balance and decency about how to stimulate each other sexually, providing good sex techniques for sexual fulfillment in marriage. The following are some books which I confidently recommend:

• The Acts of Marriage: The Beauty of Sexual Love by Tim and Beverly LaHaye 
• Intended for Pleasure: Sex Technique and Sexual Fulfillment in Christian Marriage by Ed and Gaye Wheat 
  
• Sheet Music: Uncovering the Secrets of Sexual Intimacy in Marriage by Dr. Kevin Leman 
• The Language of Sex: Experiencing the Beauty of Sexual Intimacy in Marriage by Dr. Gary Smalley and Ted Cunningham 
  
• Answers for Your Marriage by Bruce and Carol Britten [continued next page...] | 2 of 3

Can Married Couples Watch Pornography Together? [Part 1]

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One day my wife and I happened to visit a married couple. As I was discussing about marital issues with them, the woman candidly asked me a question—“Is it okay for my husband and me to watch pornography together? Someone known to me suggested it is sexually healthy for a couple to watch porn together.”

There are many misleading voices these days, saying—“Watching porn together is one of the best ways a couple can connect.” “Watching porn together strengthens your sexual relationship.” “Watching porn together adds fuel into your dry marriage.” I have even found an article entitled, “Couples who watch porn together stay together.”

According to a debate on Times of India.com on whether couples are okay with watching porn together, 53 pct felt that it was perfectly natural, while 43 pct held it to be morally degrading. If this is the perspective in a more conservative and traditional nation like India, which is now becoming more liberal in moral issues, I can imagine the vote for couples watching porn together would be even higher in the West.

Although many may voice against watching pornography alone for personal pleasure, there are numerous people assuming that it is good to watch porn as a couple. They suppose it boosts their sexual life in marriage, but without discerning its side effects.

According to God’s word, I strongly believe it is wrong, even sinful, for a married couple, or anyone for that matter, to watch pornography. It is detrimental to one’s personal and marital life.

Want reasons? Here they are:

1) It is a shameful thing to watch the nakedness of a person other than your spouse.

When Adam and Eve were created by God, they were naked all the time and felt no shame (Gen. 2:25). But after they sinned against God, they realized their nakedness and felt shameful (Gen. 3:7). Since then, man and woman have become sinful and their hearts corrupted. Their eyes have fallen short of viewing nakedness with sanctity. For this reason, we cover our body with clothes, not only to protect it from cold, heat and dust, but also from sinful eyes which craves to feed on nakedness.

The only time a man and woman lose their shame when they look at the nakedness of each other is during sexual activity. Apart from the act of sex, even husband and wife would be ashamed before each other to live always naked in the house. (Of course, there are exceptions in the case of nudists who are weird folks in society)

Sex (during which a man and woman relish the naked bodies of each other) is God’s gift to mankind, which is to be enjoyed within the boundary of marriage, both for the purpose of reproduction and mutual pleasure. Outside of marriage, whether to think, view and participate in sex is biblically called “sexual immorality” or “immoral use of sex”.

Although this is a figurative language expressing the backslidden state of God’s people, see how it is a shameful thing to expose one’s nakedness, “When she [Jerusalem] carried on her prostitution openly and exposed her nakedness, I [the Lord] turned away from her in disgust, just as I had turned away from her sister [Samaria]” (Eze. 23:18). Look at the judgment prophesied by Habbakuk, "Woe to him who gives drink to his neighbors, pouring it from the wineskin till they are drunk, so that he can gaze on their naked bodies” (2:15). 

What do these Scriptures speak? The loving God detests deliberate exposure of nakedness before others, particularly with sensual intent and evoking sensual feelings inappropriately. If exposing one’s nakedness sensually is sinful, is it not sinful too to sensually watch the nakedness of other people? Is not pornography a lustful gaze at other people's nakedness?

However, when it comes to marriage, it is plainly written, “The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife” (1 Cor. 7:4). In marriage, the Holy Bible says it is good to give each other their bodies for mutual pleasure. It is wrong, in fact, for a married couple not to offer each other their bodies for sex, except by mutual consent, for Satan will tempt them to sin outside of marriage because of their lack of self-control (7:5).

Therefore, since a person’s body and the enjoyment of its nakedness belong to one’s own spouse, don’t you suppose it is a shameful and sinful thing to watch the naked body of another person who is not your wife or your husband for sexual stimulation, whether watching it alone or with your spouse?

Remember, nakedness, which is cherished during the act of sex, is a private property of one’s spouse, not a public exposure to all. [continued next page...] |  1 of 3

Can Married Couples Watch Pornography Together? [Part 3]

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3) Watching pornography together may create more distance between one another, particularly during interpersonal problems.

There are those who are misled into thinking that watching pornography together will build sexual intimacy in marriage. Let us examine this fallacy. 

I think, we all agree that marriage is not always a bed of roses. There are good times and there are bad times. When times are good, a husband and wife may enjoy each other sexually, but when difficult times come, i.e. interpersonal problems, where do you think they may turn to satisfy themselves?

When husband and wife offend each other and when wife is not in a mood to have sex with her husband, there is a great possibility for her husband to turn to porn for some physical satisfaction. He who is used to watch with his wife will now watch alone for his personal pleasure. This may even lead to addiction to porn, even to some extramarital affair, eventually leading to disastrous family life.

You know, sometimes it is the hunger for sexual satisfaction which drives a man to get reconciled with his wife and to please her. Of course, this may not always be the best motive, but there is at least some good in it which unites him again with his wife. I believe, one of the reasons why God has blessed man with "testosterone hormones" [major sex hormones in males] is so that he would always cleave to his wife. 

But pornography may rob this possibility, driving a man to nude images and videos of other women and finally leading to emotional and physical affair with others.

In a marriage relationship wherein a husband and wife look to each other alone for sexual satisfaction—they cannot stay far away from each other for a long time. Sadly, in our present age, many are looking for sexual satisfaction beyond their marriage partner, consequently leading to irreconcilable relationship and family break-up.

Therefore, don’t you think spouses should discourage each other from watching porn, whether watching together or alone? Don't you see pornography creates more distance in marriage than intimacy?

Final Words
Sex is not just about the union of two bodies for some physical pleasure. It is most importantly the expression of love within marriage wherein a husband and wife give themselves to each other for one another’s pleasure and satisfaction. For porn stars, sex comes at a price of money or for something else. But in marriage, sex comes at a price of love.

Everyone who is married for sometime may agree to this—to enjoy sex constantly and satisfyingly in marriage, one need to work hard on denying self and loving one’s spouse. Sex is often a gift coupon received for some loving acts towards one’s spouse. For example, when a wife is greatly pleased with affectionate acts manifested by her husband towards her, will she not easily yield to romance and sex?

So, what does this speak?  Sex is a pleasure enjoyed in love relationship. Where there is no love, sex loses its purpose, vigor and true satisfaction.

You know, when marriage turns dry and boring, it is not primarily because of lack of good sex, but because of lack of affection for each other. It is because of lack of proper communication. It is because of lack of romance (apart from sex). So the remedy is not watching porn for healthy sex, but improving communication, affection and romance, which inescapably leads to having a healthy sexual life in marriage.

The saddest thing in pornography is that there is no manifestation of love. You see just those unmarried partners treating each other like sexual objects.  And those who are used to watch porn learn to treat their spouses as simply sexual objects and unlearn how to love another. But God has created sex to have more meaningful expression of love which couples are privileged to enjoy as a result of loving each other.

Let me close this article with a thought by King Solomon, “Drink water from your own cistern, running water from your own well. Should your springs overflow in the streets, your streams of water in the public squares? Let them be yours alone, never to be shared with strangers. May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth. A loving doe, a graceful deer-- may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be captivated by her love” (Pro. 5:15-19).

In other words, “Seek sexual satisfaction from your spouse alone. Don't let others to take that place. Don’t look for sexual satisfaction outside your marriage [in our age, turning to porn or to some illicit affair]. Don’t share sex with others. Rejoice in your spouse, enjoy the body of your spouse and may you ever be satisfied by your spouse's love. Let your wife or husband be the only person in whom you find your physical satisfaction.” 

Finally, if you, as a believer, are engaged in watching porn, alone or together with your spouse, I encourage you to flee and resist such temptation by the enabling power of the Holy Spirit. And if you don't know Christ personally and are caught up in this bondage, I would like to let you know that Christ died for your sins and rose again from the dead to offer you forgiveness of your sins and eternal life. If you trust in Him, you will not only find forgiveness of your sins, but as you keep growing in the knowledge of the Lord Jesus Christ, you would also learn to grow in loving one another as a blessed family in the Lord. [go to first page] |  3 of 3

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Liberation from Pornography

Introductory words: It is no exaggeration to say that we are living in an age of sensuality. Starting from television and movies to mobile phones and Internet, we are constantly bombarded with sexual content, be it partial or explicit. It has now become only a matter of touch on remote control, on enter button or a click on mouse to indulge oneself in sexual immorality.

There are so many folks in our day, including the nice and sincere ones, living a life of bondage to pornography. There are untold people who are secretly addicted to porn. Sadly, they suppose there is no hope of deliverance from this addiction. Thus, the following interview is posted with a hope that such hopeless people will find hope. May be you are one among them and this message is for you.

Note: The following interview was done using open-ended questions. I put it in writing, edited myself and sent it to Prem for his final approval. Also, the actual name of the interviewee has been changed to Prem Raj for the sake of confidentiality.

CSD: Prem, I have learned you have been once an addict to porn and now walk in complete freedom from this bondage. Would you please explain how your addiction to porn began?

PR: I was first introduced to porn through an adult magazine. When I saw it, which actually belonged to my friend, my curiosity aroused and my sensual feelings went wild. Like a hungry dog for bones, I indulged myself in it. That later led me to look out for novels with explicit sexual content. As the days went by, my craving to watch and read such obscene things became intense.

I was desperately searching for porn material, particularly in second-hand book sales, for by now I became familiar with authors who write on this subject matter. I was willing to go to any extreme, pay any cost, just to satisfy my sensual hunger. As I watched and read them, I also got addicted to masturbation and immersed myself in a world of sexual fantasy.

CSD: How did things go further as you went along in life the following years?

PR: After finishing my basic studies, I worked for six months. Despite the fact of being a slave to porn, on the other hand, I had a bit of God’s fear in my heart, wanting to know God’s word and serve Him. So, I got into a Bible college. This training had somehow helped me, yet I did not completely give up watching porn. Regretfully, even while studying in a Bible college, I was watching erotic stuff once in a while and masturbating.

Incidentally, in all these years of addiction, none knew my secret struggle and addiction to porn. I was a pious guy before others. I did think of sharing it with someone, but I couldn’t do so for fear of rejection.

Then came a major breakthrough in technology—the Internet world was introduced in India. This was a great opportunity to gratify my lustful passions. It became easier for me to watch porn, going simply to Internet cafés and enjoy watching and reading sexual content. I also borrowed CDs and watched porn films.

Finally, I got a laptop with internet connection. You can imagine how my addiction escalated. Pornography was now available to me anytime I wanted to watch. I used to download all sexual stuff and secretly scan them at my convenience. Day by day, I became sensually wild and immoral in my thoughts and sight. I eventually found myself in a situation I could not live without watching porn.

CSD: You said that you have done Bible College with a desire to do ministry. How were you handling porn when you got into ministry?

PR: After completing my training in Bible College, I went for other trainings and got involved in ministry. I was ministering to various people, went around preaching and even giving counseling to others. I even became a youth leader in my church. Yet, in secret, I was helplessly living an immoral life, watching porn and masturbating. I was living a hypocritical life. And I lived this double life in a way nobody could doubt me. I left no trace of detection.

CSD: How were your feelings when you watched porn? Were you satisfied and living a happy life?

PR: The more I watched porn, the more I became miserable. Watching porn never satisfied me. If it did, it is only for a moment. In actual fact, it made me even worse, hungering for more and more. Even though I appeared to others as a jolly and nice guy, deep inside my heart I was empty, lonely, sinful and dismayed.

CSD: What about your feelings of guilt? Did you feel sorry for the way you lived?

PR: This was what had happened every time I watched porn. Once I finished watching porn and masturbating, feelings of guilt would overtake me. I used to ask God for forgiveness, cried and wept before Him. The remorse was so strong that at times I tore my clothes, fell on the floor and writhed in agony. I could not face anyone. I lost genuine connection with God and people around me. I despised myself and hated to look at my own face.

Sometimes, I cancelled my preaching, for I was filled with remorse for watching and soaking in dirty stuff. I knew what I was doing was sin. It is something I shouldn’t be doing as a child of God. But, I was helpless, addicted and became a slave to lust.

Then after feelings of sorrow and repentance, my lustful passions would rise and I felt desperate to watch again. I couldn’t control myself and gave myself over to indulge in porn. In short, I fell into a cyclical process—watching porn, feeling sorry, asking God for forgiveness and again returning to my own vomit, watching porn.

CSD: How did you eventually find liberation from porn?

PR: My deliverance from this addiction was not immediate, but progressive. After years of struggling with this sin, God mercifully revealed Himself to me. The healing actually began with an exposure to the majesty of God. For the first time, my eyes were opened to the glory and goodness of God.

Earlier, I had mere head knowledge of God. But I began to see for the first time the beauty of God. I was astounded to read about how great God is as found in Job 38-41. How He created the whole universe by His wisdom and power, how He is sovereign and above all things, how He is sustaining the entire earth and how everything exists because of Him. And, yet, He has His eye over me, a tiny creature before the Most High God.

When I started to know God’s excellencies, explored His majesty and tasted godly pleasures, the lustful passions began to lose its power over me. As I experienced God, who in His rich mercy had forgiven me and showed His glory in my life, I found great joy and satisfaction. I discovered lasting pleasures in Him. I fell in love with Jesus and that freed me from the love of sensuality.

I now know God and I love Him and want to please Him. I even love my wife and I seek to find my physical satisfaction in my wife alone and not in anything else.

CSD: Well, Prem, thank you so much for honestly sharing your heart. Finally, what is the message you want to pass on to those whose lives are ruled by lust and pornography?

PR: First, I want to mention that watching porn is a choice. You cannot blame anybody or anything. It is you who make a choice to click, to touch, to see, to entertain and to fantasize the forbidden things. So, ultimately, you are completely responsible for the choices you make in your life.

Second, addictions are not easy to overcome. You cannot get out of it on your own. You require divine help. Not just help from God but God Himself. Although your prayers may not be answered immediately, don’t give up. Don’t get disappointed and dejected. Keep seeking God, keep asking for His help, keep studying His word, keep looking for opportunities to know more of Him and keep pouring your heart before the Throne of Grace to reveal Himself to you. These words are forever true, “You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart” (Jer. 29:13)

Third, share with someone. Don’t live a life of secrecy. One reason for me to continue in this sin for years is due to withholding myself from opening to someone who could help me. And when you share with that person, make it a strict accountability. You may fall again, but still keep yourself accountable. You may even be rebuked and seriously corrected for watching porn, but still keep yourself accountable. Don’t let your pride ruin the help others could offer you. Whether you are addicted to porn or may be on your way towards addiction, rise up and seek help right away.

At last, I want to express—I have wasted a lot of my life and time by living in lust. For more than ten years, I was a secret addict to porn. Thankfully, I am now free from this sin, not just recently but long back. This does not mean I don’t face temptation at all. By God’s grace, I overcome it. I don’t watch porn constantly. I don’t watch porn once in a while. I don’t watch porn at all. I now enjoy the freedom of purity. I want to tell that there is no lasting satisfaction and happiness in porn. True joy and contentment is found only in Jesus, the one who loved us and gave Himself for us.

CSD: I am thankful to God for liberating Prem from this addiction to porn. I know him quite well personally and find his testimony trustworthy. Prem is now having a wonderful family and is doing a great ministry. God is using him to be a tremendous blessing to many. He now walks in freedom from pornography and enjoys his life in Christ.

Friend, if you think you are lost in lust and have no hope of deliverance from pornography, remember, you would never reach a situation in your life wherein you find yourself having no hope in God. There is always hope in Jesus. He died for our sins. He rose again from the dead to give us victory over sin. So, cling to the feet of Christ with a broken and contrite spirit. Know Jesus and love Him, for He is the most beautiful and wonderful person in whose presence sin loses all its power of enticement.

Of course, accountability to others, confession of sin, repentance and exercising self-control—all these things are important to overcome lust and pornography. But the most important element is seeing and savoring the glory of God.

When we draw closer to God, irrespective of our weaknesses and failures, and start seeking His holy face, study about Him, pray to Him, know Him and experience Him, we find displeasure in the pleasures sin offers. Knowing God more frees us from habitual sins. Living a life in His glorious presence is so pleasurable that even all the pleasures of sin fall short of it. Finding our utmost satisfaction in God liberates us from addiction to temporal, sinful pleasures. Falling in love with Jesus uplifts us from the mire of sin.

“Thou wilt make known to me the path of life; In Thy presence is fullness of joy; In Thy right hand there are pleasures forever” (Ps. 16:11).

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Accountability – An Impetus to Overcome Pornography

I have observed, whenever we fall in sin, for the most part we slip into it unprepared.

It happened to me that one day I was browsing on the Internet to read some inspirational stuff. I was low in my spirit and looking for some encouragement. It is when we are downcast that this lust within us reaches fever pitch. As I was rummaging through Google’s search engine, I was subtly enticed towards partial sensual content. My mind became dumb. I shut down my moral convictions. I lost control over my passions. My heart was hardened. Curiosity increased. And that later took me into watching porn for a while, indulging in sinful sight and imagination. I had the choice to resist and get back to my work but I foolishly gave in to temptation.

I need to admit that my past life, before Christ, was ruled by lust and that old nature reared up its ugly head again. I was completely shattered when I fell into this sin. I hated and condemned myself for yielding to it. I could not face myself, my family or anyone, even God. I degraded in my own eyes. I decided to give up ministry, for I thought I am unworthy to serve the LORD with an impure heart. What Ravi Zacharias said makes complete sense, “The loneliest moment in life is when you have just experienced that which you thought would deliver you the ultimate, and it has let you down.”

During this inward battle, a thought came, “Is this a solution to my sin?” I knew it’s not. Going away from God because of sin is to drive ourselves deeper in sin. I sincerely repented before the Lord. Although I was never addicted to watching porn, I was afraid that I may fall in it, for I have seen people how they had regretted only to see themselves helplessly turning to it again and again. They eventually came to a stage of such hardness of heart wherein they had lost that sense of guilt and guts to change. So I could not trust myself in this area and knew that I had to do more than repentance to guard myself against this sensual sin.

The next morning, I immediately called my good friend to visit me. It was humiliating but I confessed my sin to him. It was hurting but I asked him to hold me accountable in this area. It was painful but I wanted to live for the pleasure of God. After giving myself to accountability, I found great relief in my heart.

Guess what happened after few days? As I was doing my search on the Internet on some personal project, I again bumped into a strange link, lured to click and enter into the world of lust. I brought the cursor right on it to click. Then immediately it flashed into my mind that I am accountable to my friend. What would I tell him when he asks me? Should I tell him that I watched again? How would I face him? This brief reasoning pulled me back from clicking this site and saved me from falling into the pit of immorality. I thank God for this accountability, for it worked as an impetus, not just once but many times, to abscond from the traps of the evil one.

Since I gave myself to be accountable to my friend, by God’s grace, I haven’t returned to it again. And as God gives me opportunities to help those enslaved by lust, in my counseling to them struggling with addiction to pornography, I make sure to mention accountability as a way of discipline to overcome its temptation.

Fearing God or fearing only man
Some may suppose that this accountability structure implies that we fear man more than God. It could be, but not necessarily. Want to know my reasons?

1) It is the fear of God which drives a person to be accountable. If there is no fear of God, why should a person be bothered about voluntarily submitting himself to be accountable to someone in the first place? He could continue with his sinful lifestyle and live according to his sinful passions, right? Since he fears God and shuns evil, he uses God’s providence of accountability to walk in sexual purity.

2) If there is no fear of God how can a person tell the truth when asked about his dealing with the sin? Can’t he tell lies and live a life of secrecy, indulging himself in lust? It is the fear of God which causes a person to tell the truth when accountable. Since he loves God, he loves to come out of sexual immorality by speaking the truth.

Besides, lack of accountability actually proves fear of man. As good as accountability is, there is a hurdle for people in not being accountable – fear about what someone would think about them. We need to overcome this anxiety and choose a mature and trustworthy person to disclose our secret life. Let me give a caution here – If we don’t take serious measures to deal with our evil addictions, it would inevitably lead us some day to public disgrace. Doesn’t reason suggest present accountability, however painful, is better than future humiliation?

Scriptural Support for Accountability
Accountability is buttressed by the Holy Scripture. It is not man’s own invention, but God’s gracious providence. To quote C. J. Mahaney, "It's a gift from God, a vital means of experiencing His grace for protection from the deceitfulness of sin." 

• It is written in Pro. 27:17, “As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.” Isn’t a person sharpened in accountability structure? 

• Solomon offers wisdom in Ecc. 4:9-10, “Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!” Helping a fallen friend – isn’t this exactly what happens in accountability?

• Paul exhorted the young Timothy, “Flee the evil desires of youth, and pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace, along with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart” (2 Tim. 2:22). Isn’t a person in accountability fleeing from the evil desires and seeking the Lord with the help of godly people?

• The author of Hebrews wrote, “Encourage one another daily, as long as it is called Today, so that none of you may be hardened by sin's deceitfulness” (3:13). Isn’t a person in accountability saved from the deceitfulness of sin, placed in transparency from living a life of secrecy and encouraged to live a holy life? Any person who has failed to personally discipline himself in sexual purity, and at the same time unwilling to give himself to some form of accountability in God’s community—he is most likely to live a life of deception and hypocrisy, invoking damage upon himself and in some way hurt those connected to him.

• God’s word says, “My brothers, if one of you should wander from the truth and someone should bring him back, remember this: Whoever turns a sinner from the error of his way will save him from death and cover over a multitude of sins” (Jas. 5:19-20). Isn’t this what happens in accountability, saving a person from perishing in sexual immorality and bringing him or her back to the truth?

In this age of sensuality, the storm of lust is so fierce that many God’s people are swept by its fascinating enticements. It would be shocking to know how many seemingly good people are caught in the web of pornography, secretly living a life ruled by sexual immorality.

Friends, if you helplessly find yourself strangled by the sin of lust, I encourage you to seek an accountable partner (reliable and helpful). Sometimes, to deal with this sin by ourselves is but to give ourselves more to its mastery. I have learned the assaults of the devil against us intensify when we live in secrecy, but it does decline in accountability. There are many ways to find deliverance and God has provided the structure of accountability as one such to experience the power of His grace.

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