Breaking A Stronghold in Children

Almost all parents love their kids. They take delight in them. They desire to give good things to them. They love to see them happy. But with all their good intentions, parents can wreck the well being of their children by entertaining one stronghold.

We parents know this fact: Our lovely and cute kids are at the same time stubborn children. There is one stronghold in them, which they frequently manifest.

What is it?

KIDS WANT TO HAVE WHAT THEY LIKE 

AND THEY DEMAND IT “RIGHT NOW”!

The Word of God declares, “There is madness in their [people’s] hearts while they live” (Ecc. 9:3). This madness is inherent in people from the time they are born. When a child begins to grow, she manifests this madness in her heart. She desires to get what she likes. She demands to get what she likes. And she exhibits disruptive behavior if she does not get what she wants.

The best way parents can spoil their children is by submitting to their whims and wishes. If parents give whatever their children wish, if they seek to pacify them by submitting to their demands—they are raising their kids to become stubborn, rebellious, headstrong, adamant and perverse adults.

Therefore, if parents sincerely desire the welfare of their kids, they must commit themselves to break this “what-I-like-I-want” stronghold in them.

How can we do this?

1. Saying “NO”

We must teach our children that they cannot get whatever they like by lovingly and firmly saying “NO” to their greedy wishes. The more you fulfill their demands, the more they keep on demanding. Hence, learn to say “NO” to their unrestrained wishes and demands. Consider well and fulfill their wishes only if they are needful and helpful.

The good thing I have observed in children is this—they not only want to have what they like immediately, but they also forget soon their hurt. So don’t bother to hurt your kids by learning to say “NO” when required. Hurt is not harm.

2. Wailing Leads Nowhere

Children should be taught: They cannot get what they want, particularly if they cry aloud, yell and demand. This is where many parents fail to train their children. I teach my kids that if they wail and rudely demand, they miss the opportunity for me to consider what they ask. They know well that wailing leads nowhere.

Many parents immediately consent to their kids’ wishes when they cry aloud. As a result, kids know that “wailing” is a means to dominate, control and win over their parents.

We parents must realize that the world is not going to be drowned with our kids’ tears. I have consistently taught my kids that crying aloud and yelling is not the way to get things from their parents. They still manifest this attitude once in a while, but only in vain.

Moreover, it is good for parents to teach their kids to request, not to demand. I don’t pay attention to what my kids ask when they don’t request. It took sometime for them to learn this courtesy. They now ask me, “Papa, can I please….” They fail occasionally, but they learn their lesson immediately.

Of course, this does not mean our kids’ wishes are fulfilled whenever they request. They must be taught that parents have the freedom to say “No” even if their wishes are expressed as a request.

3. Patience, Patience, Patience

The third lesson is painful for all children to learn, and that is, PATIENCE. The hearts of kids seek immediate gratification. For this reason, it is necessary for kids to learn delayed gratification. They must be taught to wait. They need to understand they cannot get whatever they want in life immediately. They ought to know that some things in life can only be received by patiently waiting for the right time.

Sometimes, I deliberately tell my kids they have to wait when they want something. I encourage them to pray and be patient. If they are reluctant and insist, they lose. They hate this process, but it is good for them. When parents teach patience to their children, and not entertain instant fulfillment, they save their kids from becoming impulsive and careless in life.

4. Teaching Contentment

Finally, contentment is something that is quite difficult for children to learn. If they have something and see another thing they don’t have, they demand to get it. Just like adults, children constantly express discontentment in what they have and become possessive towards things they do not have.

This is what I have observed: Parents who had gone through many struggles in their childhood and young age, but later excelled in life, tend to shower comforts on their children. They do this because they don’t want their kids to suffer. However, such parents are not aware that they are failing to train their children to learn contentment, endurance, responsibility and wisdom.

Thus, parents ought to consciously observe discontentment, greedy and possessive attitudes in their children and teach them to remain content in life. They must train them to be thankful for the things they have in life, even to adjust oneself readily to different conditions.

In order to cultivate contentment and adjustment in life, it helps our children when they are exposed to the lives of so many kids in the world who do not have the basic necessities of life. We must show them the pictures and videos of multitudes of kids who are living in dire conditions. At times, it is good to take them to orphanages and street children homes and expose them to the plight of poor kids.

How good for our children to know they are privileged and blessed to have so many things in life that many kids around the world do not have!

Final Words

Dear parents, what our children become when they reach adulthood is mostly dependent on how we train them from childhood. Let us identify the stronghold of “what-I-like-I-want” and “what-I-like-I-want-right-now” attitude in them and break this stronghold by consistent teaching, example and discipline. And let this be done out of humble dependence on the all-wise God and by constant expression of our love towards our kids.

How wise are these words from the Holy Bible:

“Train up a child in the way he should go;

    even when he is old he will not depart from it.” 
(Pro. 22:6)

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Enquiries: 

cstephendavid@gmail.com 

(or)

messageforourage@gmail.com

Amazing Joe

with my cute Joe

Few years back, when my eldest son Joy celebrated his 5th year of birthday on June 10, 2009, I shared some funny moments I had with him “Joyous Moments with Joy.” Today, December 7, is also a special day in my life. This is the day my youngest son, Joe, was born. Ever since he came into our lives, he does not cease to amaze us. He is amazing Joe.

Not wanting to take much of your time from your busy activities, I want to share just two things that made my heart to take great delight in Joe. I am sure you would be encouraged in your heart by reading them. If you want to listen more about him, you can take me to a good restaurant for supper and pay the bill☺

Expression of Gratitude

One day, in our family devotions, I taught on the importance of expressing our gratitude to those who help us. Deeply convicted by what he heard, right after our devotional time, Joe disappeared. Later, he came to me and placed in my hand a colorful envelope with glistening innocent smile. I was surprised and curious to know what is in it. When I opened, I found a white paper with some note written in red color by his tiny hand. The following is its image.

On the envelope, he wrote, "I give my love to my lovely papa." And in it is a note, “Thank you Pappa for helping us in all things. Thank you Pappa. We love you soooo much.” He also drew heart shapes on the left and the right side six times with words “Love Kiss.” That’s not all, he also put Rupees 500 from his pocket money as a token of appreciation, mentioning to buy something for myself. 

Joe did the same thing and gave it also to my wife. Since women are more sentimental and emotional, her eyes were filled with tears at the expression of his gratitude. I took the envelope that Joe gave and treasure it till today, including the money he gave. My heart may never forget his expression of thankfulness. He made a deep impact on my forgetful mind. 

A child can teach elders what we grown-ups fail to exemplify. Let us learn to express gratitude to one another, even in small things. 

And how wonderful it is to express our thankful attitude not only in words, but also in some material things, like writing a thankful note in a paper or on a greeting card. It could also be in the form of some simple gift. The reason I may never forget what Joe did is that he expressed his gratitude in an unusual way, rather than simply saying "Thank you". 

Remember, there is no greater attitude like gratitude. 

Expression of Apology

At another time, I think it was before or while having supper, Joe spoke in a disrespectful way to me. I was hurt and told him that I never spoke to my papa in that way. He knew I was not happy with him. He regretted for hurting me. 

After sometime, Joe called me to his room so that I can leave my laptop alone. He told me to stay in his room, went to my laptop, came back to his room again and asked me to continue my work. 

When I came to my laptop, I saw a note stuck on it. Joe wrote a note of apology, which you can see in the image. 

He wrote in his broken English, “Pappa, I am very sorry with you for speaking rudely. Please forgive me. I will not repeat next time.” Underneath the note, he drew a face running down with tears.

We all know how painful it is to ask apology. Pride often interferes with humble confession. It is said about President Richard Nixon that he could never admit he was wrong in anything. In fact, Charles Colson says, even when Nixon obviously had a cold—nose running, face red, sneezing, all the symptoms—he would never admit it. 

If we are honest with ourselves, perhaps we are no better than Nixon. We love to hide our mistakes or sins, hate to admit it and resist to ask apology when we fail. 

It is helpful to observe some good things in the note that Joe wrote. Many of us simply say, “I am sorry” for the wrong we do. But Joe did four things, which he learned in his family devotions: 

First, he felt sorry for he did. 

Second, he specifically mentioned the mistake he had done. 

Third, he requested me to forgive him. 

And fourth, he assured of not repeating again. 

Dear parents, so much to learn from the confession of Joe. 

I praise my Living God for teaching and encouraging my heart through Joe. I give glory to Him for his life. I pray that my God would use him to make a difference in his generation and not waste his life by just living for himself. Birthday is a reminder that we are created on earth with a purpose, and that purpose is to live for the glory of our Maker. 

Joe, my son, you are so precious to me. I love you so much. I am proud of being your father. I take great delight in you. My hugs and kisses to you. Happy Birthday.

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Enquiries: 

cstephendavid@gmail.com (or) messageforourage@gmail.com

Parents, Hug Your Children

During supper, as we were talking together, I asked my children about what is it that they like and dislike in us [in my wife and I]. When I questioned my eldest son Joy about what is it that he likes in me, he immediately responded with a smile, "Hugging."

I was surprised to hear his response. I didn’t realize that hugging means so much to him. Not only to him but also to my youngest son Joe. At times when I physically express my affection to my kids, like in the form of kissing or hugging or words, I ask them how they feel. They feel so good, secure and happy when I physically express my affection to them. I even gently embrace them together and pray for them.

Parents, I have learned that it is not enough to love our children in our hearts and provide what they need. Our children also need to constantly witness our affection for them demonstrated in actions. They take great delight in experiencing our affection expressed to them in tangible ways. And one of the best ways to give our children that feeling and conviction that we truly care for them is by the use of physical hugging.

Some parents practice hugging their children when they are small but stop doing that when they are grown up. Children need the experience of our tangible affection all their lifetime. I resolved not to stop kissing, hugging, and expressing words of affection to my children as long as I have breath.   

Furthermore, I believe—a little hug can remove many bugs. Some parents know only to criticize, correct and discipline their children but they do not practice expressing their affection through physical touch. This ruptures the parent-children relationship than building bridges. I have observed, learned and experienced that continuous physical expression of affection by parents may pave way for children to receive correction and discipline positively.

Believe me, hugging is powerful. It speaks volumes of affection for our children. It assures them a great sense of acceptance and security. Some children may not feel comfortable with kissing as they grow older but hugging is something that can still be practised at any age.

So important is meaningful hugging that the authors of The Blessing wrote, “The smallest act of touch can be a vehicle to communicating love and personal acceptance.” Charles R. Swindoll rightly expressed his disappointment, “Families, unfortunately, have stopped hugging and exhibiting a show of affection. We’re into a generation of touch-me-not families and I have many reasons to believe it’s unfortunate.”

Therefore, dear parents, I encourage you to start hugging your children. Express your affection to them. Your parents might not have done this to you. You may not even be used to doing this to your children until now. However, healthy habits are always good to embrace at any point in life. You will witness a great difference of influence upon your children if you cultivate this simple habit of hugging your children.

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Note: Here is a word of caution: I have observed some parents manifesting a lot of affection for one child and ignoring the other. I think it is quite painful for children to observe his/her sibling receiving physical affection while they themselves are ignored. This kind of partial expression of affection leaves a deep, indelible hurt in children who do not receive it. So I encourage parents not to show such partiality but manifest impartial affection towards all children.

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Enquiries: 

messageforourage@gmail.com

Significance of Having Family Meals Together - Part 1

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In our busy and fast paced culture, finding time for family togetherness, particularly for children, has become a great challenge. One of the best ways I have discovered in spending time with our children is at the dining table. Research shows that the presence of parents is very beneficial at four key times of the day—early morning, after school, dinnertime, and bedtime.[1]  

As the day begins with the members of the family scattering to various activities of the day—children to study and parents to work—the supper time provides the best opportunity for the family to gather together for meaningful fellowship. It is a sad witness that families having meals together is not the norm of our day.  Even if they have meals together occasionally, that would be in front of the television. Our generation seems to be valuing only eating, not fellowship.

Benefits of Eating Together

The advantages of spending meal times together as a family cannot be overemphasized. In November 2004, CBS News cited a study showing that children who ate regular meals with their parents were less likely to smoke cigarettes, drink alcohol, take drugs, get depressed, or commit suicide.[2] The access to parents that the family meal gives children has been shown to reduce stress and to improve the emotional and therefore the physical well-being of children.[3]  

In another study of eighty-six families, half of whom included asthmatic children, researchers found that families who used family routines, specifically mealtimes together, had lower levels of anxiety, which correlated with fewer school absences, fewer hospitalizations, and fewer medicinal interventions.[4]  

Do you realize how important it is for your family to have meals together? This does two things: a) It brings all the family members together and b) It paves way for fellowship and sharing, strengthening the family bond.

We need to know that the purpose of eating together is not just eating; it is talking to each other, particularly about things that matters for eternity. [I have learned that no matter what we talk, if we don't teach our children to revere God and to live according to His will revealed in the Holy Bible, all our talking and spending time with them is in vain for the eternal welfare of their soul.] 

When we study the Holy Scripture, we observe that dining table was a place where Christ Jesus had had his wonderful ministry. What did Christ do when He had mealtimes with Lazarus, Mary and Martha (Jn. 12:2ff), Simon the Pharisee (Lu. 7:36ff), a Pharisee (Lu. 11:37ff), a prominent Pharisee (Lu. 14:1ff), Zacchaues (Lu. 19:2ff) and with the twelve on Passover night (Lu. 22:14ff)?  He had meaningful conversations, imparting to them the wisdom from above, teaching great truths about the kingdom of God and sharing His life with them. I have found dining table to be a great pulpit to be used in impacting lives for the glory of God.

Eat Together and Stay Knit Together

Speaking about my upbringing, it was not the discipline of our family to eat meals together. And even if we had at times, my father made it a strict rule not to speak while eating. He considered it as an improper manner and harbored a myth that it hinders the digestion of food. As you can well guess, I carried this pattern of not eating meals together in my family too. When I was hungry, I was known for eating without waiting for anyone. I also coined this phrase, “When it comes to eating, time and Stephen wait for none.” For years I didn't realize the importance of having family meals.

However, though late, I have learned how important it is to eat with my wife and children, having a time of sharing with them. While there are exceptions, I have resolved not to miss family fellowship meal, for I have realized that just as the family that prays together stays together, so is the family that eats together knits together. I found it to be a great joy to listen, talk and teach my children during our family meals. I am sure my children would carry this sacred habit when they grow up and have their own family. [Click here to go to Part 2 of this article...] |  1 of 2

Significance of Having Family Meals Together - Part 2

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Other Options for Busy Families

I understand that having family meals together may be found quite difficult by some. They may have such working shifts which may not allow them to be with their families during supper. To some, the boss may require more time from them and often leave them late to home. The usual traffic jams at the evening is another hindrance not to reach home on time. In such situations, the following are some suggestions which may be helpful:

1. In your absence during supper time, your spouse can still spend time with the children and carry on the healthy habit of eating together. Two are better than one but when two are not available together, one is better than none.
2. If having supper together is not possible during the week, how about having it at least in the weekend, including holidays?
3. Something is better than nothing, right? Although it is a hurry time, having a planned breakfast together as a family is a good idea. “Relaxation, communication and a measure of beauty and pleasure should be part of even the shortest of meal breaks,” said Edith Scaeffer.[5] 

Tips for Meaningful Family Meals

I have mentioned how mealtime is a good opportunity to teach and train children in the knowledge of God’s word. Also, they learn appropriate behavior, disclose their minds and improve communication skills. How pleasant it would be in your family when you have discussions and sharing during meals together with your children!

But how can we have fruitful mealtime conversation?  Here are some tips, offered by Kent and Barbara Hughes, to help your children learn how to participate in conversation with both family and guests. 

1. Listen. When you are at the table, be fully there. You can’t contribute to a conversation you haven’t been listening to.
2. Learn to ask questions. Don’t wait for someone to direct the conversation toward you.
3. Don’t talk while chewing.
4. Has a family member had a bad day? Give a word of encouragement.
5. Don’t “hold court” or hog the conversation. (i.e. don’t dominate the conversation, thereby not letting other members to talk)
6. Draw out the quiet person.
7. If conversation is lagging, bring up a new topic.
8. Don’t interrupt.
9. Thank the cook![6]

Recipe for Better Mealtimes

I ought to tell you that having family meals together requires discipline. Without proper planning and commitment this is not going to work. Moreover, to avoid supper time to become either a boring or tedious thing, it is helpful to have proper boundaries, so that having meals together would be an interesting family activity to which all members would look forward to participate every day. The following is a recipe for better mealtimes:

1. Plan ahead. While some take the responsibility in cooking the food, others should assist in setting up the dinner table and cleaning thereafter.
2. Insist on prompt attendants when called. It is good to have a fixed time for supper. Let everyone arrange their schedule in a way that they would be present during the dinner time. Don’t allow a come-when-you-feel-like-it habit.
3. Turn off the TV.  This is a great distraction and stealer of family togetherness.
4. Turn off the radio/CD player. The point is to listen to each other, not to songs or to music. An instrumental music, with low volume, is not a bad idea though.   
5. Start with a table prayer, genuinely expressed. Call on a different family member to lead each time. But keep it short.
6. Keep the atmosphere positive by encouraging pleasant talk. Don’t allow “attacks” on the food quality or one another. Do not entertain negative, sarcastic and complaining talk.
7. Don’t fight over quantities, especially with preschoolers, who often go on feast-or-famine jags.  Hunger will prevail over time. However, if for social reasons you want to require that children “try some of everything on the table,” fine.
8. Involve everyone in conversation. Begin your conversation about the affairs of the day and see how all can be edified from the wisdom of God's word.[7]  
9. Switch off your mobile phone. If you expect an important call, put it on silent mode so that you can call back later after the mealtime.
10. Don’t encourage neighborhood children to join regularly during family meals. Children often get distracted in the presence of other children. So make best use of mealtime to foster your relationship with your children, listen to them, train and teach them. O, sure, make it a fun time too.

Therefore, if you don't have the habit of having family meals together, why can't you commit yourself to start practicing this good habit right away, both for the welfare of your spouse and of your children, not to mention of your own soul? [Click here to go to Part 1 of this article] | 2 of 2

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End Notes:
1.  Cited by Dr. James Dobson, Brining up Boys (Illinois: Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., 2001), 91.
2.  Cited by Ray Comfort, How to Bring Your Children to Christ (Bartlesville: Genesis Publishing Group, 2005), 42
3.  Jenn Berman and Donna Corwin, The A to Z Guide to Raising Happy, Confident Kids (Novato, CA: New World Library, 2007), 134
4.  Ibid., 135
5.  Edith Schaeffer, Hidden Art (Wheaton, IL: Tyndale, 1971), 123
6.  Kent and Barbara Hughes, Disciplines of a Godly Family (Wheaton, IL: Crossway Books, 2007), 130
7. These advices have been adapted from Dean Merrill, [ed] Mike Yorkey, The Christian Dad’s Answer Book (Colorado Springs, Co: Faith Parenting, 1997), 121, with few additions of mine.

_______________________________

Enquiries: 

cstephendavid@gmail.com (or) stephen@tents-india.org

More Precious Than Jewels

"Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised" (Pr 31:30).

Everytime I connect my laptop to Internet, the home page of the company that offers Internet automatically pops up. I generally ignore viewing it, but recently, when I was about to close the home page, my eyes fell on the title, “Celebs without Make-up.”

Being curious to know how they would appear, I clicked the link and saw the pictures of the top admired Indian actresses who makes hearts flutter. To my surprise, I found a world of difference in how these celebrities looked with and without make-up. I realized, much of their beauty projected in movies and ads is superficial.

Granted that the beauty of these women is authentic, but does it not still fade away over the years? Are you aware of the beauty which is genuine and that which never fades off but shines even brighter?

Physical beauty comes and fades away, just like the flower which blossoms and withers. But the inner beauty of a woman, that godly character, is far more attractive and lasts forever, just like gold that does not fade or lose its lustre.

It is good to witness the advancement of women today. Unlike the past, the modern woman is more educated, more talented, got into more top positions, earns more money, has more freedom and proven more accomplished. However, women who are more beautiful in their inner character, manifesting that gentle and gracious spirit as mentioned in 1Peter 3:1-6, are rarely found.

It is to motivate such unfading beauty in women, Mrs. Clarice Joy David has written a book “More Precious Than Jewels: A Wise Woman In Building Her Home.” Based on biblical foundations, she wrote how a wise woman could cultivate beautiful character, which is more precious than jewels and more lasting than a beautiful flower, resulting in being a blessing to husband, children and others around.

Well, I love reading biographies and I read them in two ways: one by reading books and the other by watching live examples. I know Mrs. Clarice in person, whom I call ‘aunty’, and have the privilege of being close to her family. After years of observing her life, I think I can fairly make this statement—what she has written in the book is very much in consistent with how she lives.

In order to testify what God’s amazing grace can accomplish in a person, I would like to share for your encouragement few things about Mrs. Clarice.

A Woman of Hospitality: When I think of Mrs. Clarice, the very first thought that comes into my mind is her spirit of hospitality. How joyfully she invites people to her home, how varieties of dishes she prepares and how kindly she serves people!

And what a blessing she is to women, particularly to young girls! Many of them would testify of how often they have been invited to her house and how gladly she served them good food, cared for them and discipled them.

Now you need to know she is not that young and energetic to manifest such hospitality. She is 65 years old and still serves people with great enthusiasm. My family had been to her house many times and we can admit of being blessed by her love and hospitality, both in our body and spirit.

Do we find the young women of our day having that heart and patience to serve people?

A Woman of Encouragement: Another character I can think of Mrs. Clarice is her spirit of encouragement. She is not only an encouragement to those outside but also to her own family. Since her husband, Mr. Joy David, is a missionary, traveling to various places and ministering to people, she took time to teach and encourage her children to walk in the ways of God. Her labor in the grace of God has reaped life-changing results in her children. Today, they all love the Lord and have blessed families.

How many women do we observe these days who are deeply devoted to pray and bring up their children in the fear of God?

Let me point out that Mrs. Clarice is not a preacher or teacher. She is a simple house wife. But she is a great encouragement to her husband. What a delight to watch her encouraging her husband in prayer, in evangelism and in ministry to people! Her presence is such an encouragement to people that Mr. Joy David himself testifies that when they go together for ministry, people crowd her more than him.

O, how many husbands lack such encouraging wives and what great things they might have achieved had they had such encouragement from their wives!

I think, Mr. Joy David would not hesitate for a moment to confess—had it not been for her support and encouragement, which is God’s gracious providence to him, it would have been quite hard for his ministry to have had a wider influence on people.

A Woman who loves Jesus: I know Mrs. Clarice is what she is only because of Jesus who saved her. And because He loves her, she loves her Lord passionately. Because she has tasted the goodness of the Lord, she manifests that goodness to others. People are touched by her life because she is in constant touch with her heavenly Father.

Anyone who comes in contact with her will not take long to see her burning heart for God. Her passion for Jesus is quite noticeable.

She loves to talk with her Lord, even standing in the gap and interceding for people. She loves to hear her Lord through His unchanging Word. She loves worshiping her Savior. In this short life lived on earth, she loves to live a fruitful life for the glory of God. And because she has consecrated herself to the Lord, she has been a blessing to many people.

In my talk with Mr. Joy David, I candidly asked him, “Uncle, did you ever regret in your marital life about not getting a better wife, wishing in your heart for a better woman?” He replied that in their 38 years of life together, he never regretted for marrying Mrs. Clarice and never thought, “I wish I had a better wife.” 

What a blessed testimony! But this does not mean she is a perfect woman, expressed Mr. Joy David, and desired for her to constantly improve her godly qualities.

Finally, because of her rich experience in the Lord and godly example, I suppose, a woman would be richly benefited to read and apply the principles Mrs. Clarice shares in her book “More Precious Than Jewels.”

“More Precious Than Jewels” is published by Authentic Books and can be ordered online at a very low price: http://christianstore.in/product.php?productid=20868&cat=0&hm=BK

You may also write to the following e-mail address for a copy:

cstephendavid@gmail.com (or) stephen@tents-india.org

Fathers, Our Children Need Us

One day during this week, I went to pick up my children from school. As I sat on a cement bench, waiting for my children to come, a cute little girl came and sat beside me.

Now I cannot endure myself to stay silent for a long time, except with a book before me or in mode of prayer or when I review the Scriptures that I memorized. I wasn’t engaged in any of these, so I turned and started conversing with her.

I learned she is in third class, perhaps 9 years old, one year elder than Joy, my eldest son.

As I was asking questions and getting answers from her, I casually asked her, “What’s your dad doing?” Her voice went low and responded, "I don’t know."

I was a bit surprised and asked her again. She replied the same.

This time, not being casual, I questioned, "Don’t you talk to your dad?" She replied with all innocence manifesting on her face, "No."

My curiosity became intense and I asked, "Is your dad always serious?" She said with sadness, "Yes."

I again questioned, "Is he not friendly?" She said, "No."

After asking questions and listening to this little girl, my heart left that place with sadness.

Giving Ourselves to Children

Fathers, do we talk to our children? Are we friendly with them? Do they know us well and vice versa? Do we have fun time with them? 

Of course, there is room for stern discipline and serious exhortation, but that’s not always required. I believe, a father ought to be both a teacher and a friend. Sadly, many children miss such fathers.

I am afraid at the advancement of our world, for it is robbing many fathers from their families. It is giving all the comforts in the sense of material things but stealing dads from giving their valuable time to their growing children.

I have learned that more than what we give to them, more than what we earn and store for them, more than what we claim of doing for them, what our children need is "us" (our presence and our conversation with them). There is no gift as great as giving ourselves to our children.

Children Desperately Need Us

I understand we men are so busy. There is always a lot for us to do. We have so many burdens to carry. There is so much we have to do for our family. However, don’t you think, our children are more important than the work we do and the money we earn? 

Remember, we may lose job and get another one. We may lose money and earn again. But the time lost in spending with our growing children can never be retrieved.

We think, what our children always need is toys, television and electronic gadgets. The reason, I suppose, they seek for such things is because there is none to converse with them. The more we talk and spend time with children, the less they are drawn to such things.

Yes, our children need us. They desire us. They want our time. They love to talk to us and hear from us. They long to be hugged by us. Again, I emphasize, they need us, desperately. Can we give ourselves to them?

If we have been neglecting our children, having become too busy with our work and in daily activities, why can’t we take some time and talk to them today? We will make a difference in their lives, you bet!

My Decision

Well, the next day when I went to school, I abruptly met this cute little girl on the way. I stopped my vehicle by her side. She was surprised to see me again. I smiled and gave her a chocolate. Her excitement was shining all over her face. 

I decided, I never want to see my children suffering from having a father who doesn’t take time to talk and walk with them.

What have you decided with your children?

_______________________________

ENQUIRIES:

Feel free to write your comments below (or) write to

cstephendavid@gmail.com (or) stephen@tents-india.org

Parents, Change Yourself First - Part 2

"In everything set them an example by doing what is good."

The Holy Bible (Tit. 2:7)

[Continuation of Part 1]

Famous are the words of Gandhi, "Be the change you wish to see in the world." Applying this to parents, it can rightly be said, "Be the change you wish to see in your children." If I want to change my children from watching TV excessively, then I myself must exercise self-control. If I desire that my children should pray and regularly study God’s Word, then I myself should first practice in front of them. If I expect my children to always speak the truth unto me, then I myself ought to be a man of truth. If I want my children not to speak foul language or communicate in an improper manner, then I myself must abstain from such talk.

One father was upset when his son got into trouble for foul language at school. "But, Dad," the son replied, "I heard you use these same words last week." Not many children are bold in challenging their parents this way, for they may be scared of their reaction. But many do the self-talk and question their parents’ example. Examine yourself, "Do my children question my lifestyle when I lay my expectations before them?"

If I don’t model my expectations I have for my children they won’t be able to joyfully fulfill them. After all, what good does it do if parents have good intentions and expectations for their children when they are not good models. Children generally look into the lives of their parents the kind of life their parents expect from them. What an inspiration to children when they find beautiful exemplary parents who are worth imitating! The following is an example of that excitement, shared by a daughter about her father:

He has been an amazing role model. He inspires me to work hard, treat people fairly, to love God, and to enjoy life. The life he made for my family is one which I hope to be able to provide for a family of my own someday. My father instilled a foundation of faith within me since I was a child that has carried me through difficult years and allowed me to become the person I am today, and to have the relationship I have with God today.[1]

If our children are going the wrong way, pause and examine to see whether they are following our own behavior. If you see your children fighting with each other, perhaps they are following their parents who often quarrel. If you watch your married children having disruptive arguments before you, may be they are following their parents who did the same before them while they were young. It is said that one of the greatest things a father and a mother can do for their children is to model a healthy marriage.

Therefore, let’s be an example to our children because they live what they learn from their parents. If we haven’t been a good model, it is not too late for us to apologize to them for being a bad example and start living an exemplary life. The apostle Paul said to the Thessalonians, we made "ourselves a model for you to follow" (2Thess. 3:9). I believe, this should be the aim of every parent, "I will make myself a model for my children to follow."

Here is the golden rule of parenting: Be before them what you expect them to live behind you. The Puritans’ exhortation to parents on living an exemplary life before children is worth of our consideration:

Be sure to set good example before your children. . . . Other methods of instruction probably will not do much good, if you don’t teach them by a good example. Don’t think your children will mind the good rules you give them if you act contrary to those rules yourselves. . . . If your counsels are good, and your examples evil, your children will be more like to be hurt by the latter, than benefited by the former.[2]

Note: I do not mean our exemplary life is an iron-clad assurance of our children’s imitation of us. But there is a high possibility for our children to be influenced by us when we seek to be a model of the standards God had given to us. And despite living a life worth imitating by our children, if our children yet turn their back on God and on us, in that case we need not condemn ourselves but prayerfully commit them to God to lead them to repentance.

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Notes:
[1] Cited by H. Norman Wright, A Dad-Shaped Hole in My Heart (Minneapolis, MN: Bethany House Publishers, 2005), 56
[2] Cited by Kent and Barbara Hughes, Disciplines of a Godly Family (Wheaton, IL: Crossway Books, 2007), 61

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Parents, Change Yourself First - Part 1

"In everything set them an example by doing what is good."

The Holy Bible (Tit. 2:7)

Once a mother approached Mahatma Gandhi with her son. She said, "Mahatma-ji, tell my little boy to stop eating sugar." Gandhi then told her to come back with the boy in three days. When the mother returned, Gandhi said to the boy, "Stop eating sugar." 

The mother curiously asked, "Why was it necessary for us to return after three days just to tell my little boy that?"

Gandhi replied, "Three days ago I had not stopped eating sugar." [1]

Dear parents, here is the point: If we want to change our children, we need to change ourselves first.
 
There was a word that I warned my son Joe not to use, but he could not give up. I realized that I have to change first to see my child change, for I have used the same word often before him. I changed and he too.

Children get fretful when we tell them to do a particular thing while we do the contrary. They hate hypocrisy—telling them to obey that which we ourselves don’t practice. Don H. Highlander pointed out, "If our children are disrespectful, perhaps we need to examine our own attitudes and examples. They may be responding to our inconsistency; we may be breaking our own rules."[2]

I recollect watching a story in which a young man was continuously absent from the college. The authorities of the college decided that he should get his father, or else he will be removed from the institute. He then goes and informs his father that he should visit the college while concealing the actual fact. The father, unaware of the cause, assumes it is for some formality’s sake and encourages his son to lie to the authorities that he is sick and thus cannot visit. However, when the father eventually comes to know that his son was indeed lying to him and bunked off college, his heart was shattered.

How easy it is for parents to encourage their children to lie to others, but when the children lie to them, how painful for them to endure!

What are we teaching to our children? Do you think your children are not learning to speak lies from you when you are conversing with your spouse to tell a lie at your office about being sick, only to do some personal work? How absurd it is when we teach our children to lie by our example, but when we are lied to, we get angry and either scold or spank them! Who actually deserves to be scolded or spanked—parents or children? Beware - Do not let your own exhortations to your children cut your own throat.

I am reminded of a teacher who complained to the father about how his son kept stealing things from the other kids. His son took their pens, their paper, their tape, and the teacher couldn't figure out why. Surprised to hear what his son has been doing, the father responded, “Why is my son stealing other kids' things when I am able to get all the supplies he needed from my office?” The teacher then figured out why his son steals.

No wonder, the one who steals begets alike. The one who speak lies begets alike. The one who is short-tempered begets alike. The one who is addicted to television begets alike. The one who is irreverent begets alike. The one who is ungodly begets alike.[3]

Parents, do we realize that our children are continuously watching us and following our example? Do we feel glad if they imitate us or be ashamed?

For this reason, I believe, God exhorted to treasure His commands in our hearts before impressing them upon our children: "These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children" (Deut. 6:7).

[Continuation.....Part 2]

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Notes:
[1] Cited in The Complete Idiot’s Guide to World Religions (Alpha Books, 2004), 345
[2] Don H. Highlander, Positive Parenting (Dallas: Word Books Publisher, 1980), 59

[3] Of course, exceptions considered, but the impact of our parenting, whether for good or for bad, cannot be undermined.

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Awake, O Christian Parents!

In recent past, I have been invited to speak to teens in a Youth Camp. In the middle of my discourse, I asked, “How many of you know the ‘Ten Commandments’ by heart?” There were many teens present but not a single person could raise hand. Almost all these teens have come from Christian homes and some whose parents are active in ministry. I was surprised to witness blank response! After the message, I discussed with the coordinator and expressed my regret to him. I told him and tell you too—we can’t simply blame the children; the reason for lack of understanding of God’s word in present day youth is due to lack of effective Christian parenting at homes.

Growing in the World without Knowing the Word
Today’s young generation in Christian homes is advancing in all kinds of knowledge—celebrity gossip, technology, science, academic subjects, politics, entertainment (movies and music), sports—but with no proper knowledge of the Living God and His word. They are growing in the world without the Word. And I believe Christian parents are mainly responsible for the improper growth of youth in the ways of God, the Creator of the heavens and the earth.

Many parents mistakenly believe it is the responsibility of the pastors or Sunday school teachers to bring up their children in God’s word. It is you, you yourself, you my dear Christian parents, who are primarily responsible! The Holy Bible reveals—parents essentially carry the sacred responsibility of bringing up their children in the ways of God (Deut. 6:4-9; 11;18-19; Pro. 1:8-9; 22:6; Eph. 6:4). Are we faithfully fulfilling this divine commission?

You know there is one sad incident in the Holy Bible. After the death of Joshua, it is written in Judges 2:10, “After that whole generation had been gathered to their fathers, another generation grew up, who knew neither the LORD nor what he had done for Israel.” How did the new generation grow up in ignorance of God and His word? Because the old generation, their parents, did not educate them in the ways of God. If only we could obey this Scripture:

We will not hide them from their children; we will tell the next generation the praiseworthy deeds of the LORD, his power, and the wonders he has done. He decreed statutes for Jacob and established the law in Israel, which he commanded our forefathers to teach their children, so the next generation would know them, even the children yet to be born, and they in turn would tell their children. Then they would put their trust in God and would not forget his deeds but would keep his commands. (Ps. 78:4-7)

Why today’s youth is so much ignorant about the knowledge of God? Because of parents’ negligence to bring them up in the fear of God! Too many have cast off that responsibility on the church and washed their hands off their godly responsibility at home. But God is so concerned about the upbringing of children in His ways at our home that He had it written twice in the book of Deuteronomy:

These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. (6:6-7)

Fix these words of mine in your hearts and minds; tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Teach them to your children, talking about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. (11:19-19)

What kind of talk do we have at our home, my dear Christian parents? Do we talk about God’s word with our children? Do we discuss about the Lord’s work? Do we teach our children the ways of God? Do we pray for them and also with them? Do we grab opportunities (without being too preachy) to lovingly impress on them the wisdom of God? Many Christian parents are too busy to spare time for such godly things. Regretfully, even there are pastors and preachers, who go around preaching God’s word, have their own homes uneducated and neglected in spiritual values. No wonder we see the new generation coming up without knowing the ways of God.

Spiritual Giants Shaped at Home
I was reading about the great spiritual giant and missionary to China, J. Hudson Taylor (1832-1905). I was stunned to read that while he was still a child of four or five, he would tell visitors in the home, “When I am a man, I mean to be a missionary and go to China.” How could he get this understanding? It is because of the godly exposure his parents gave to him. Taylor later confessed that the constant discussion that took place at his home about God’s word and the Lord’s work made a great impression upon him. His parents lived and taught godly values to their children. [1]

F.B. Meyer (1847-1929) is another man who was a great blessing to his generation, not to mention till ours. It is said his home life was not only happy and comfortable, but also spiritual. His mother taught the Holy Bible and his father was an exemplary and dedicated Christian businessman. In the evenings, they had regular family prayers at home. So powerful was the godly impact upon Meyer at his home that while he was still in his teens he had a passion to serve God and began to share God’s word. [2]

How alien today’s young generation has become to the spiritual world! There are spiritual giants in the history of the church who could testify that their homes have been a great blessing to them in knowing God and His word than pulpits. Do our children hear the word of God only from pulpit or even at home?

During the Puritan Movement in the 16th and 17th centuries, every child knew the Ten Commandments and was taught to carefully observe them. Puritan parents reminded their children from an early age that even the greatest worldly learning, acclaim, or success would be worth nothing if one’s heart were fixed on something other than God.[3] Do we find our present generation parents reminding children of this significant fact? O, how many young ones are serving self and success alone for lack of godly teaching at home! Aren't they observing their parents who teach by their priorities and pursuits that money, materialism, luxuries, success, fame are the most important things in life?

It is with sadness I have to say that God is not the centre of many Christian homes. If today's youth has to be revived for God, there need to be revival first in parents. O, how can our young people live a life on fire for God when parents remain lukewarm!They have to witness in their parents that spirituality is not something which is practiced within the confines of church atmosphere; it is something which is lived out in every aspect of life, beginning from home.

Final Words
There are two things I want to mention before I close:

1) I am not saying our children have to become missionaries, pastors or full-time Christian workers through our godly parenting. I believe there is a great need of God’s witnesses in the marketplace than in church. We need to train our children in such a way that whether they do business, job or church ministry, they would live their life loving God, walking in His ways and impacting the people around them for Christ.

2) I am not claiming that if we teach our children God’s ways it is a cast-iron guarantee of their growth in godliness; however, there is a high possibility of that being so. If our children become disobedient, let it be because of their own choice in spite of our thorough godly training but not because of lack of it. May we do our best in training and bringing up our children by utterly depending upon the wisdom of the Holy Spirit and leave the results to God “who makes things grow” (1Cor. 3:7)!

Finally, may I not hide from you that I feel ashamed for neglecting my own home in godly training for years and give glory to God for convicting me to realize the necessity of ministering to my family. I have learned it is disobedience unto God to ignore to train my children. What profit it is for me to minister to the whole world, yet neglect my family and forfeit them?

So let these words be constantly heard in our home, “Come, my children, listen to me; I will teach you the fear of the LORD” (Ps 34:11).

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Notes:
[1] Warren W. Wiersbe, 50 People Every Christian Should Know (Grand Rapids, MI: Baker Books, 2009), pg. 134
[2] Ibid., pg. 210
[3] George M. Marsden, A Short Life of Jonathan Edwards (Grand Rapids, MI: Wm. B. Eerdmans Publishing Co., 2008), pg. 16-17

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What Destroys Your Children's Security and Tranquility

"Each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband."

The Holy Bible (Eph. 5:33)

Many parents suppose loving children gives them great security. Is this completely true? Does loving them what all that matters to children? Or are they expecting something more from their parents? I’m not exaggerating—we may heartily love our children and give them all the best, yet they may remain as insecure as ever. Surprised? How could this be possible?

Not long ago I was engaged in counseling a young girl who messed up her life by getting into things she shouldn’t. She had parents who loved her so much and gave everything they could for her. I was asked by her friend, “How come this girl felt lonely, insecure, in spite of having such caring parents?” I replied, “No matter how much parents love their children, if they do not love each other, they leave their children in absolute loneliness and insecurity.”

Parents—Love One Another
Many parents are not aware that the ongoing conflicts between them (husband and wife) would actually destroy their children's security and tranquility. I can never forget the scary face of my son, Joy, when my wife and I used to often quarrel. It’s obvious on children’s face—that sense of abandonment, insecurity, confusion and loneliness—when their parents fight before them. Home is a place where children feel most secure, and if that home were in a mess, where else would they go? It would be surprising to know how many children dislike going home just because of the absence of peace therein.

Some frustrated parents say to each other, “I am done with you. I have no love for you. If I am going to live with you under this shelter it is only for the welfare of my children.” As sacrificial as their love seems toward their children, pediatrician and author Wilson Wayne Grant made a striking statement, “The most important possession any child can have is two happy, well-adjusted parents who deeply love each other.”

Ah, it is not uncommon for a husband and wife to experience the decline of love and affection in their marital life. When love is dying in marriage, it is good for parents to rekindle their affection for one another by working towards identifying and destroying those marriage killers rather than live as either strangers or enemies under one shelter, thereby disrupting their children's security and safety. Loving one another is not only essential for the security and joy of husbands and wives but also for the emotional wellness and mental happiness of children.

Kindly understand—children hate to see their parents living in conflicts. If you want confirmation, ask your children. When I asked my child’s opinion about his parents getting into conflicts, he promptly responded—with an expression of disgust on his face—that he detests seeing his parents quarrel with each other. I find my children elated with joy when my wife and I enjoy one another. I have learned, the secret of children’s happiness is in a loving, happy relationship between their father and mother. This may be surprising to many: research shows that it is not divorce per se that harms children, but the continuing conflict between parents. Children are going to suffer as long as their parents don’t live at peace each other, whether it leads to divorce or not.

Children’s Craving for a Happy Home
Do you know what our children crave for at home? It is a loving and peaceful atmosphere. Are we parents making every effort to create such an aura of peace and tranquility at home wherein our children feel most secure? Is our home a haven for our children? Let me tell you a fact—Children would rather love to stay in a shanty filled with bliss than in a mansion full of conflicts.

Can our children testify, “There is no place on earth—wherein I feel secure, accepted and loved—like my home?” I come across numerous young people who share how their parents constantly fight and shout at each other, causing great trouble and distraction in their (children's) lives. The mental agony they undergo because of conflicts between their mother and father is insurmountable. Sometime back a case study was done among young students to determine what caused them the highest degree of sadness, anxiety and depression. Here are the causes—having parents separate or divorce, having parents argue with one another, and having parents who didn’t spend enough time with them.

Dear parents, are you aware the kind of influence you are going to have on your children the way you get along with each other?

I once asked a young man, “What is it that you most hate in your parents?” These are his heart-rending words: “Fight and heated argument between mom and dad. This has affected both of us (brothers) a lot. It ruins the peace. It destroys our day. It is embarrassing because neighbors get to know. Lots of sad consequences we children have to face as a result of parents quarreling with each other.”

Can parents hear the cry of such children?

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Actions Speak Louder to Children

"In everything set them an example by doing what is good."

The Holy Bible (Tit. 2:7)

Few days back, my wife and two kids, along with my friend Benjamin, were on our way to buy groceries for our training centre. As I was driving, a person riding a bike popped up in front of our vehicle; holding his bike’s handle with two hands, he was speaking on his mobile phone. How could he do that? He clasped his phone with his head fully bent over the right shoulder, and as expected, he couldn’t drive his bike properly and confused us who were at his back.

Feeling a bit frustrated, I commented to my wife, “Look at that fellow’s driving!” My eldest son, Joy (six years old), immediately exclaimed from back, “Papa you speak likewise on phone while driving bike!” My wife too affirmed his constructive criticism. It was like a slap on my face. I was silenced and had to accept his correction.

(We parents often think about shaping our children, but believe me, if we let the all-wise God, He often uses our children to mould our character. I am glad that having children helped me to change a lot. I got rid of many unhealthy things, even some good but may not be best for my family.)

What I learned is this—children are always watching us and how we live before them speak louder to them than our words.

How about us? How are our lives before our Children? Although at times I have failed, I don’t want to say something in front of my children or to them and do the opposite. I am aware the foremost way I can influence my children or earn their sincere respect is—not by the use of demand for being their parent, but by living an honest and genuine life before them. Ray Comfort made a gutsy statement, “The key to having your children respect what you say is for them to respect the one who is doing the saying. Nothing dissipates respect like hypocrisy. I would rather lose my right arm than have one of my children consider me a hypocrite.”

Don’t you suppose there are many parents who may be considered hypocrites by their children? You know, our lives are transparent before our children, whether we like it or not. We almost become real before them, leaving the phony part of our lives. And children respect us, even imitate, when they don’t find contradiction between our words and deeds. Do we earnestly desire our children to find consistency between our words and actions, not contradictions? O Lord, enable us to live our life like a bright shining light, not like a fleeting shadow.

Well, the other day, as we were having family supper, I noticed my son licking his fingers by sweeping the gravy on his plate. To be honest with you, it is something unconventional. I looked at him and asked, “Joy, do you know why I don’t correct this act in you?” He paused for a moment, looked at me with an amused smile and replied, “Because I learned this from you!”:-)

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Everyone Deserves Respect

Few days back I was at home taking care of my second son, Joe. In my conversation with him, I used words in my vernacular language, which is generally used by elders in our culture - “You have no shame.” He is just three years and eight months old. When he heard, he repeated back those words to me, “You have no shame.” I told him, “You shouldn’t speak like that to elders.” He replied without hesitation, “Such words should not be spoken by anyone, whether younger ones or elders.” Those words came to me like a slap on my face. I apologized to him for using those words. He then gave back his usual cute and mesmerizing smile.

My son taught me that day that every person, whether young or old, deserves respect.

Often times, I have observed, we elders do things which we don’t expect our younger ones to follow. We think we have the right to speak and do anything and the children are forbidden to do such, even no right to question us. But should not we set a good example to them about how they need to perceive human dignity and treat one another with respect? It is unfortunate that many children are treated with disrespect. Remember, the way we respect them is the way they are going to respect themselves and even others, especially those that are younger than them. Of course, there is room for rebuking and disciplining our children, but we shouldn’t forget that we owe respect to them as much as we expect from them.

Besides, what do they learn from us about how to speak to servants, drivers, waiters, vendors, watchmen and strangers on the street? Do they learn from our communication and conduct that every person is valuable, bearing the image of God and deserving respect? Do they understand from our treatment of fellow human beings that everybody has the right to be respected irrespective of color, class and background?

It is said, “The best way to teach respect is to show respect.” May we treat our children and other younger ones with respect and let them emulate our lifestyle.

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